"No Matter What"

So I really love the song "No Matter What" by Kerrie Roberts. They play it a lot on 91.5 WCIC so I was going to post some of my favorite lyrics from this song! I'll include the link too if you want to listen to it!

Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands and even
Though I keep asking why
I keep asking why

No matter what, I'm gonna love You
No matter what, I'm gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I'll trust You
No matter what, no matter what

I know You have Your reasons for everything
So I will keep believing whatever I might be feeling
God You are my hope and You'll be my strength!

This song has been such an encouragement to me! NO MATTER WHAT I have to/need to trust God and know that HIS plan/will is perfect for us!

Here is the link if you want to listen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA3MSqufJP4

Memory Verse

Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes.

Psalm 37:7

I need to plaster this one on my forehead!

Flu and Other Things

Whew! Its been a long time since I've posted. We've been busy with work and getting ready for Christmas and also having the flu.

Aaron's grandpa passed away from esophageal cancer on 12-1-10. He wasn't diagnosed until somewhere around mid October of this year. He had a bad cold I think before this and was having a hard time getting rid of it. I think he ended up going to see a doctor and that is how they discovered the cancer. It was on his esophagus and had spread to other areas. I was surprised at how fast this cancer took a hold of his body. I had just saw him on Friday (day after Thanksgiving) and he seemed weak but still doing alright. By Wednesday he had passed away. We miss him and miss seeing him sitting in his chair when we go over to visit Grandma.

Aaron's brothers ended up coming down again to spend some time with his Grandma. We shared a meal together at Aaron's parent's house and then took her out for Red Lobster the next day. After we got back from eating we started playing some games and that is when I started to not feel so well. My stomach felt very crampy and I just assumed it was from all the food we had eaten the past couple of days. As time went on it hurt worse and I eventually asked Aaron if we could head home. By the time we pulled in the drive I ran to the bathroom and tossed my cookies. I continued to toss my cookies all night and through the afternoon the next day. I don't remember the last time I had the flu that bad. I felt really weak and achy and frozen. I couldn't get warm no matter how hard I tried. The positives out of this were that I managed to get sick and be well for the holidays and I lost 6 pounds. This way I was gearing up for the all the eating around Christmas.

We had Christmas on my Mom's side yesterday so that was fun. We ate a nice meal, opened presents, played some games and fed my uncle's horses. My mom didn't end up getting to go since she now is sick. I think my Dad gave her his sickness. We're all just passing along all the germs.

Well not much else is going on! Aaron is looking forward to the end of this week since he will be off until the first of the year. He told me the other day that once he goes back after Christmas he will only have 5 months left of this rotation. He is looking forward to getting off of 3rd shift. I'm surprised at how fast those 7 months have gone by.

In other news Aaron's cousin's wife is pregnant and we are throwing her a baby shower sometime within the next month or so. I LOVE planning things like this and I found a great website with some really great ideas! I'll add the link on here in case you want to check it out. You might have to copy and paste though. For some reason it won't let me paste on here?? Does anyone else have that problem? Anyways, check it out, its really neat!

http://www.simplybabystuff.com/

That is it for now!

Sunday Night Snooze

Daddy and his girl snoozing before work last night.

No Coverage

Well the information with the insurance coverage ended up being open for viewing tonight. There is unfortunately no fertility coverage except diagnosing infertility. They will not cover any kind of treatment.

This is kind of what I expected to happen once Aaron said they would be changing that with the insurance. I tried pushing it to the back of my mind hoping that maybe by some chance they would cover it.

We're not completely decided on what we want to do. We feel that it is a lot of money to do the laprascopic procedure to not necessarily end up with any answers. If they find something and can fix it doesn't mean we'll get pregnant. If we don't do any of this stuff at all doesn't mean we'll get pregnant. There are so many options to weigh out it is hard. Maybe all of these difficulties and setbacks is God's way of showing us that this isn't His will for us. Even if we did try intrauterine insemination there are a lot of medicines and ultrasounds and to me it sounds like more of an emotional roller coaster.

Aaron and I talked a little bit tonight about this and I told him I don't want to go back to the way I was feeling last year around this time. I felt the waiting part of it and then the anticipation of the appointment and then the let-down afterwards with more disappointing news. I was an emotional wreck. The medicine they put you on can cause increased emotions. I felt that way just being on Clomid. There were times where I felt fine and in a good mood and it could be a matter of seconds and I felt so angry and really irrational and kind of crazy. I don't want to go back to that. I can't go back to that. If the medicine doesn't work the first time around they just increase the dose each time it doesn't work. This in turn makes the emotional roller coaster fly at amazing speeds.

So, not for sure what we will do next. I think I would have a hard time being at peace with the situation if we don't do the laprascopy. But then if we do that and they fix it or say they found nothing will I then not be at peace until we try IUI (intrauterine insemination) once, twice or three times. Will it just keep going? Will we get soo caught up in the process that we lose our focus? Shouldn't my peace be in the Lord and in His will and knowing that He knows all these things and will provide us with all He sees fit?

Now for a little side note...


Aaron sometimes ends up talking to guys at work that have adopted. And it did happen to come up today. Maybe God had a hand in this. He was eating lunch with a co-worker and had no idea the guy had kids but they got to talking and the guy said they were getting ready to adopt their second child. He said they tried for 18 years to have a baby (biological) and they never did. They went through all the same stuff we are (but for 18 years!!!!!) but they finally said they didn't want to do that anymore. They didn't want to be on a schedule and let this take over their life so they said no more doctors, no more temperature, no more tests.

Aaron and I found that interesting that it came up at work today (since we knew this insurance stuff was coming up tonight/tomorrow). Maybe the Lord will lead our hearts to adoption. Maybe He won't, but either way my prayer is to trust Him FULLY and COMPLETELY. He knows whats best for us. This is a daily battle but I am thankful for this because He's drawing me closer to Him, I'm wanting to know Him more deeply and rest in Him.

That is it for now!

Insurance

The long awaited day....is tomorrow. We should finally get some more information regarding our insurance and what will/will not be covered next year. Not that this will be good news necessarily but it will at least help us in decision making.

Sick Feeling

Well its been almost 2 years since we started trying get pregnant and we've spent most of our time *waiting*. Waiting to do this test or that test, waiting for the results then waiting on insurance, waiting for an appointment with a different doctor and then, now more waiting for insurance. I've always said I'm a very impatient person so hopefully this trial will teach me patience and being content with God's will among many other things.

Since we've spent most of our time waiting and especially lately I haven't had to deal with it directly. As in we haven't had appointments to go to and tests to do, etc. That was always the hardest part was going to the appointment/test and hearing the bad/disappointing news. As we've been idling along here for the past 4-5 months that is something I haven't had to deal with. So I kind of felt protected.

Yesterday (Friday) I called Dr. G's (fertility specialist) office to set up another consult to get some more information about the surgery and also answer some questions we have. Aaron and I decided on Thursday that we would call to set up this appointment but I didn't think much of it. As I started dialing the number my stomach started to churn. I felt sick inside like I could get rid of all the breakfast I had just eaten. Talking in my head I was saying, "Oh no I can't push this to the back of my mind any longer, I have to face this, I have to face the fact that the answer might just be, "I'm sorry you can't have any children."

I know that the doctors don't have the final answer and that the Lord knows all these things but calling and making that appointment made me feel like it was just one step closer to the disappointing result-NO children.


We should have some answers regarding the insurance at the end of next week and I'm praying that the Lord will give us wisdom and direction with what to do next.

Selective Reduction...I Think NOT!!

Aaron and I have always felt pretty firm in our decision to not do IVF if that was something recommended to us. We don't feel comfortable with the way the procedure is performed and also the fact that you have such a higher risk for multiples. Doctors would maybe recommend selective reduction if they feel the that number of babies you are carrying is unhealthy for you and the babies. Selective reduction is basically what it says you select which egg(s) or as I refer to them baby(babies) you want to dispose of.

Well here is a little excerpt from the book "In Vitro Fertilization" that I received at the Women's Lifestyle Show. This book further confirmed our thoughts and feelings on the fact that we would NOT consider IVF.

Here we go...

"Selective reduction of pregnancy is usually performed prior to completion of the third month of gestation. It involves the injection of a chemical under guidance by ultrasound directly into one or more developing concepti so as to reduce the total number (usually to twins). This is soon followed by absorption of the products of conception by the body. Properly performed by an expert selective reduction of pregnancy rarely (2-7% of cases) results in total loss of the pregnancy."

We have a few problems with this....

1.) Usually before the end of the third month?? That seems pretty far into it as far as I'm concerned.

2.) Injection of a chemical directly into "concepti"(nice choice of words here)

3.) Absorption of the products (another nice choice of words)

All I could say after reading that was WOW!!! There are so many things wrong with that paragraph. As a friend of mine put it that is abortion with a different name to it.

Matthew 5:6

Memory Verse for the week.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

Matthew 5:6

Trials

Memory Verse

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trails, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

James 1:2-4

Sewing Lessons

Hopefully this post will be a little more positive than my last one.

I've been wanting to learn how to sew for a while now so I took my birthday money and went out and bought a sewing machine and signed up for lessons. The lessons are 6 weeks on Monday nights for a couple of hours. So far I've learned alot. I'm still pretty confused as we are going through making our project but at the end its like wow, all those little steps made that?! Its pretty fun and I'm enjoying it.

Our first project was a flat bottom drawstring bag and our second one was a zippered pillow. I wanted to put the pillow in Kya's crate so she could use it but turns out it is too big. Thats why the fabric is kind of crazy. The picture is hard to tell what it is but it is black fabric with white paw prins.

Maybe someday I'll be able to make some curtains and other fun things!

Yet Another Glitch

Well we have hit yet another glitch in our infertility journey. I feel like I'm on this never ending roller coaster. Its up and then down and we just keep going around and around. I'm not for sure what I posted last about our appointment with the fertility specialist so I'll kind of recap and sorry for repeating. We met with the specialist and decided we were going to do the laproscopic procedure at the beginning of 2011. The procedure was to see if there was something going on (endometriosis, blocked tube) that is causing problems. Its kind of a long story to explain on a blog as to why we were waiting until 2011 but I'll try to give you the main info. We assumed that after the procedure we would have more expenses relating to the infertility. Treatment for what could be wrong, possibly trying intrauterine insemination. We decided to wait so that at the beginning of the year we would hit our out of pocket maximum right away and then the rest of the stuff would be pretty much covered.

Our glitch is this: we received a letter in the mail yesterday that as of the beginning of 2011 we have NO infertility coverage at all. WHAT??? Are you kidding me?? After I went through all that hassle of getting pre-certified for treatment and the hassle of getting my records from 3 different doctors and finally getting an appointment...now we aren't going to have any coverage??

I don't know what we will do now. We have a couple of options:

1. Get pregnant before Jan. 2011 (YEA RIGHT)
2. Find out if PPO will cover infertility and if so switch to that next year. The downfall with this is it costs more per month and also has a higher out of pocket. (We're trying to save money...not spend it all)
3. If PPO doesn't cover infertility then have the procedure now (within the next few months) and decide what to do after that. The downfall with this is just spending more money too because we'll meet our out of pocket at the end of this year and then turn around and have to do it all over again right away next year.
4. Forget about the whole thing and be done with it.
5. Truly truly trust in the Lord's will and His plan. Be content with where the Lord has put us and that He can see the big picture and He knows all these things we're feeling and how much this hurts. His ways/reasons are perfect and we have to accept that.

I know that number 5 is our option but this is just soooo hard emotionally and I'm really struggling with this.

Memory Verse

Just posting the memory verse for the week.

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;

Romans 5:3-4

Have a great week!

New Perspective

I gained a little bit of a new/different perspective this weekend while babysitting. While dealing with infertility I've been frustrated by comments I've gotten from people. Usually if I am talking with someone who has children and I'm explaining how badly I want them I often get the response, "Oh just wait someday if you have kids you'll wish you could go back to the day when it was just the two of you." I felt like after that comment that person didn't understand my position or know how I felt. Maybe I didn't understand their perspective?

I was babysitting my boss's two children. One is almost 7 years old and the other is almost 1 year old. I felt like I didn't spend enough time with Baylee (the older one) and my whole day revolved around Sawyer (the younger one). Making sure he didn't fall down and crack his head on something, crawl where he wasn't supposed to, feedings, changings, changing his clothes after he peed out his diaper and then no sooner than after I just changed him he pooped so I had to change him all over again (which he did not like ANY of this).

At the end of the day I was wiped out and fast asleep on the couch by 11 that night.

Praying that next time I watch them I will be able to juggle the responsibility better.

Now off to watch the Dolphins game. I think this might be their year...(maybe?!?)

Love

Memory verse for the week.

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8

Autumn Fest Finds

Hello all!! I know I haven't updated in a while. Well I went shopping with a friend on Friday. We went on the square in Washington. They had the Autumn Fest that night. Which basically means the stores just stay open and some have sales but they also have music and food and etc...

I wanted to share with you guys a picture of the stuff I bought. However when I came home that night I put my newly purchased items on the floor and Kya managed to bite some of the paint off of one of the hearts. I guess that is my fault for leaving it lay on the floor?

Quote

A friend of mine posted this as her status on Facebook and I wanted to share!

Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering.... The love of God did not protect His own Son.... He will not necessarily protect us - not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering, chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process. -Elizabeth Elliot

2 Timothy 2:15-16

Memory Verse.

Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth. But avoid worldly and empty chatter, for it will lead to further ungodliness.

2 Timothy 2:15-16

Have a GREAT week!

Better Late Than Never

I know I'm posting this later than normal but it was a busy weekend.
Memory Verse for the week is:

But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.

1 Timothy 1:5

Birthday Dinner

Well my birthday is tomorrow and my in-laws had us over for a birthday dinner. I got to pick what I wanted to eat. So, my choice was grilled BBQ chicken, twice baked potatoes, corn on the cob, rolls and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies!!!!!!! Talk about delicious!! I LOVE her cooking and it took me back to a few years ago when that was our every Thursday routine. Back when Aaron and I were dating, every Thursday, after I got off work I would head over to their house and she made dinner. That is where I got a lot of my recipes and I cook a lot of the same meals for Aaron and I that she made back then. Back then, after dinner Aaron and I did homework followed by pour over cheddar popcorn and ER!!!! Those were the days!! Its neat to look back on it though! But anyways we had a great meal and she even gave us some cookies to take home!!

Thankful to the Lord for bringing Aaron and I together and giving me amazing in-laws!

Ian Wayne

Well my newest nephew held out until September. He was born at 4:43am on 9-1-10. He weighed in around 9lbs 4oz. You can see how excited his older brother and sister are about his arrival!

Philippians

Memory verse for the week.

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important that yourselves.

Philippians 2:3

Dust

Another month bites the dust in infertility land. Everything seemed to line up perfectly but I guess not. There's always next month I guess and the month after that and the month after that and so on.

Towels vs. Nice Soft Bed

I guess this is what happens when you leave a load of fresh clean towels on the floor. She chooses to lay on the towels rather than the $40 bed we got for her.

Tender-Hearted

Memory verse for the week.

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Ephesians 4:32

Romans 5:12

Memory verse for the week.

Therefore, just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned.

Romans 5:12

Pitiful

Kya had her yearly checkup today at the vet's office. Poor thing had to get two shots and blood drawn. She knocked the needle out on the first try so they had to use her other front paw so she actually made it worse for herself. They put cotton swabs and then wrapped tape around both paws where they stuck the needle in. I love this picture because when I took the tape off it looked like she had "skinned her knees" due to the extra blood left.

Thankful

Oh so very thankful for the way(s) that God provides for us daily!!

Proverbs

New memory verse for this week.

Now therefore, O sons, listen to me, For blessed are they who keep my ways. Heed instruction and be wise, And do not neglect it.

Proverbs 8:32-33

Babies R Us

I went to Toys R Us today to pick up a gift for my cousin's upcoming birthday. They are doing a little bit of remodeling since they are adding a Babies R Us to it!!!!! I guess there used to be one there but it closed down and now they are rearranging things inside to make room for it. Aaron and I visited the one in MN when we were living there and I LOVED it! Everything baby and cute and tiny! Hoping that someday we can use it! But, if not for us I'm sure we'll go there for someone else. They had a lot better of a selection than Target did (at least in MN).

Infertility Humor...Maybe?

I was hanging out with my sister today and I saw a lady with three small children and carrying one of those infant carriers with yet another very small child in it. I said, "Oh hey Lindz see that infant carrier?" "That is the one I would want if we have kids. I love that pattern, so cute!" She responded with, "You already have one picked out?" I replied, "Yea but if we ever have kids that pattern will probably be discontinued by then."

Oh well. Maybe there would be different colors/designs out at that time if God decides to bless us with a child.

Encouragement

I just finished reading the book "Hannah's Hope" last night and came across a really encouraging paragraph. The author titled this paragraph "Praise Amidst Brokenness." This was her prayer when feeling lost and broken with infertility.
She writes:
Lord, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off myself. Take my eyes off the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child.
Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me to not snatch it back as I so often do with burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.
Lord, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.
Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child that will share our home. If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan. Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will. If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.
Thank you for lifting my burden. Help me to keep You first. Let me seek Your face daily.

Something I found to be SO encouraging yesterday.

So....when are you going to have kids?

The question that every newlywed couple gets pretty much the first week after you've been married. A question that I myself have even asked to others before. I was thinking about this today for some reason. But, 3 years ago when people asked me that I just said, "Not anytime soon" or "Maybe in a few years" or "We're not quite ready for that yet." Three years ago that question didn't bother me, I didn't even think twice about it just answered and then forgot about it. However, I think it is a question I won't be asking anyone else anymore. Now when someone asks that it hurts and cuts pretty deep. The people that ask it are ones I'm not willing to share this struggle with so it makes for a very awkward moment. I'm not quite for sure what to say. At times I wish I could go back to three years ago and not have it even bother me. Go back to when seeing others with their children or hear about others having babies and how it didn't hurt. Seeing frustrated moms out at the store and wishing that I could have that kind of frustration. Wishing that I could have messes to clean up after and laundry that piles up beyond belief. When I tell others this they think I'm crazy and say, "Oh just wait until you have children and you'll wish you never said that." That hurts too because I may NEVER have children or have those little hands and little mouths to clean up after.

Another issue---Facebook. I dread getting on and seeing yet another pregnancy announcement, ultrasound pictures, and pictures of a growing belly. I've thought about deleting my account but then I'll lose touch with all the other people I try to keep in touch with. I wonder how does everyone else's life keep going when this struggle makes the time stand still. That is where Facebook brings me back to reality. I HAVE to accept that God has a different plan for us.

At times I wish that I could go back to the days when this stuff didn't bother me but at other times I don't. There is a reason for all of this. God doesn't make mistakes. Every time I get upset about this and find myself struggling to understand His will I need to bring this before the Lord and thank Him for this trial because I do feel like I am learning a lot (rather slowly however) and growing closer to Him.

So, next time you go to ask that question to someone else maybe think twice about it because you never know what they could be going through.

Waiting Until Next Year

I know it sounds crazy since we just got in to see this doctor and we REALLY liked him but in the long run it makes more sense. Some of you reading this know about the appointment and what Dr. G suggested but if you don't know the situation here it is. Dr. G recommended a few things for us to try. We have been preauthorized with our insurance for fertility treatments but our out of pocket cost for the procedure is WAY more than what we thought it would be. After speaking with the nurse about this she said that Dr. G said we could just skip the procedure and start treatment. Aaron and I discussed this and decided that we would just wait until the beginning of next year. That way we would hit our out of pocket maximum right away and then everything else would be all covered. It was really tempting to just start treatment but after much discussion and going back and forth with the decision we ended up agreeing on waiting. I'm actually feeling ok with this decision, for now anyway. In the land of infertility one day could be great and the next day terrible. Its a roller coaster of emotions but I do feel that God is teaching me many things throughout this journey and that right now and maybe for the rest of our time here on earth He just has a different plan for us.

Unwholesome

Hey there guys!! Just posting our memory verse for the week!

Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.

Ephesians 4:29

Things Above

Aaron and I are trying to do more of memorizing God's Word and hiding it in our hearts. This week our memory verse is Colossians 3:1-2

Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth.

Love Her!!!

New Bed

Aaron and I got Kya a new bed on Sunday. Whenever we take Kya over to my parent's house she loves Charlie's bed and it is just this big square bed that swallows her up. So we decided to get her a bigger square one. This one pretty much swallows her up too. She hasn't been laying on it too much yet but I took her old one away so hopefully she'll start to. I managed to get a picture of her on it tonight. I love how her little head is just peeking over the blanket.

A Date?!

Aaron and I went out on an actual date on Friday night. We go out to eat a lot for dinner but actually going out for a dinner a movie and dessert was great!!! We didn't go someplace extra special for dinner...we went to our someplace usual...Sol Azteca. After that we went to the movies and saw Toy Story 3 in 3D along with popcorn and then afterwards Aaron asked if we should get dessert. We went to our favorite dessert place...Ice Cream Shack (two oreo blizzards...one mint...one regular and both with extra oreo). It was nice to go out for dinner and a movie!!
We were home and asleep by 11 so we must've been tired.

Music To My Ears

Aaron and I went to see Dr. G (his name is really long and hard to pronounce) today for the first time. Our first impression of him was good. He was very nice and explained everything to us in pretty good detail. We were both comfortable talking with him and he answered all of our questions without rushing us out the door. The only problem Aaron had was that he had to give blood at the end. He almost passed out and was as white as the wallpaper. If we ever do get pregnant I might have to make back up plans come delivery time. I don't know that he would be able to not pass out the whole time. If you want any/all the details from the appointment just ask me. Its a lot of information to type on here and still have it make sense. The music to my ears part is the fact that I don't have to take my temperature ANYMORE!!!! Bye bye thermometer sitting on the nightstand every night and setting my alarm at 6:30 every morning to take it.

Coach

I don't know why but I have this thing with purses. Which seems odd since I'm not into anything else like that. I mainly hang out in shorts, t-shirts, or hoodies and sweatpants but for some reason I LOVE LOVE LOVE purses. I ordered a Coach one from an online discount store and it was delievered on Saturday. It looks way better than I even thought!! Its the perfect size and has plently of room inside too!!

Appointment

Well after two weeks of dealing with my insurance company and doctor's offices I finally have an appointment with the Reproductive Health and Fertility Center. And the appointment is much sooner than I thought it would be. July 21st is the day that I go in so we'll see what happens from there.

Excerpt

Tonight I was reading in my book "Hannah's Hope" and came across this paragraph. Probably my favorite thus far. As I said in an earlier post the author did struggle with infertility. But anyways, this is my favorite paragraph and the way she puts it is perfect.

Seek first His kingdom...that was the key. I had to surrender and admit I didn't have the answers, seeking His instead. I had to commit to truly listening for His voice as I spent time in Scripture and prayer each day. I had to ask Him to show me His will-and really mean it. As I gradually opened my heart to what He might want for me, I began to have more peace than I'd experienced since my infertility journey began.

Holding Back Tears

Finally got some good news today! Literally holding back tears right now. We finally got approved from our insurance company to see a fertility specialist. They denied us back in January 2010 so now we are approved for a year. The other good thing is that with our insurance we have what they call "Enhanced Fertility Coverage" so it should cover quite a bit of stuff. Now I'm just waiting to hear back from the fertility doctor to set up an appointment.

Hannah's Hope

I received a book today from a dear friend called "Hannah's Hope." Its about seeking God's heart in the middle of infertility, miscarriage and adoption loss. I haven't gotten to far into it but I love it so far. The author and her husband have struggled with all of these things. I'm thankful for the book and for the friends who have been there and been walking through this struggle with me.

http://www.hannah.org/

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

For we walk by faith not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He will do it. Psalm 37:5

Commit your works to the Lord and your plans will be established. Proverbs 16:3

How do we trust in the Lord with all our hearts?
1.) Abandon all dependence on what we know
A. Divides our heart
B. Our minds are corrupted
Psalm 94:19 When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul.

Romans 12:3 For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgement, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.
C. Our thoughts are contrary to God's thoughts
Isaiah 55:8-9 For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.

2.) We need to embrace the Lord
A. Fellowship
-Deeper and fuller knowledge of the one in whom we trust.
B. Seek Him
2 Chronicles 15:2 ...The Lord is with you when you are with Him. And if you seek Him, He will let you find Him; but if you forsake Him, He will forsake you.

James 4:8 Draw near to God and he will draw near to you.

Promise given to those who trust in Him
A. Knowledge of His word
B. Grace

Temping

Since we're trying to set up an appointment with a fertility specialist I figured I should start taking my temperature again. So, here goes nothing!! We'll see what kind of wacky peaks and valleys I get this cycle!

Daytime Sleeping

This is what the window now looks like in our bedroom. Since Aaron is now having to sleep during the middle of the day he needed something to block out the light. Although I don't care for the looks of this I suppose it will have to do for the next year, that is until he goes back to sleeping at night...like normal.





With this blanket up all the time and the light turned off it is always "nighttime" in the bedroom now.

The Smell Of Fresh

I am bound and determined to get that fresh smelling scent that your clothes get when hung out on the line. Since we can't acutally put a clothesline in the ground this is the best I could do. It seems to be working...a little tiny bit at least. And also saving money since I don't have to put them in the dryer.

The first time I used it though I had to rewash all the clothes because it tipped over right into the muddy grass. I have since learned to secure it by putting one of Aaron's weights at the bottom and that seems to work just fine!

Exhausted

...After a busy day of playing at Grandma and Grandpa Bell's.

Indescribable...

Amount of pain I'm feeling right now...

PLEASE READ

A friend gave me this link and I love it. Please check it out.

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Back To The Doctor...

Aaron and I are considering going back to the doctor. We will however go see a different one than we did before but I think we would like to try some other things. See what a different doctor recommends. We might even try one of the fertility clinics around here instead of just a regular OB/GYN. We'll see, I'll just have to make a few phone calls and see when I can get in. I also need to check with insurance and see what they cover. We ran into some issues in January because they hadn't considered it "a year of unprotected intercourse" even though it was.

I was talking to my mother-in law the other day and told her that if someone told me back in December/January that we wouldn't be pregnant by now I would've lost my mind.

Thankful that God's grace has gotten me through these last 6 months and no matter how bad a day can be emotionally He always brings me through.

No More Temperature

So far this month I have disregarded the temperature taking. I have actually filed the sheet with all the temps on it in a drawer where I don't have to see them everyday. Its been nice not having any idea what cycle day I'm on and worrying/wondering if tomorrow's temp would be higher/lower than the day before.

So temperature taking for the month of June is a no go and I'm enjoying it so much I think I will continue this for quite a while!

Alone Without Answers?

I don't know how to begin this or put it gently. I wish there was someone else going through this infertility struggle to talk with. Someone here, not over the internet, over the phone or anything else. Just here. Not that I wish this on anyone else but having someone to talk to that "REALLY" understands, someone walking through the same struggle and same battle. Maybe I shouldn't refer to it as a battle but thats what it feels like, in my head. Its not that I don't have anybody to talk to its just wanting to talk to someone else that is going through this. There are days when going through this I just feel like spilling all this out thats running through my head. But then spilling it all out to someone who isn't going through it or has never gone through it seems confusing to them. If I hear the saying "Your still young, just enjoy the time you two have together" I might just have to scream.

Things I'm thinking about as month after month after month goes by....with still just one line showing up on that test.
1.) Do we go back to the doctor?
2.) If we do go back to the doctor when should we actually go back? Next month? 3 months? 6 months?
3.) At what point do we start talking about adoption?
4.) Where do we even begin to get help with adoption if we decide to pursue that route?
5.) Do we stop with absolutely everything? No temp taking, no doctor appointments no forcing anything?
6.) How do I prepare myself for more announcements that are sure to come??
7.) Why do I feel like I never get any answers??
8.) If God never allows us to have any children whether biological or not will I be "unhappy and struggling" with this forever?

One last thing...
Why does this have to be SO hard?

Sweet, Sweet Memories

Tomorrow (June 9th) will be Aaron and I's 3 year anniversary. It really does seem like just yesterday we got married. I can't help but think back and see the mental/visual images of the last three years running through my mind. I'm so thankful for the husband God gave me. He really is the other half of me and as time has gone on I can see how we've learned to work together more and more everyday with the Lord watching over us and guiding us. However, I do have to admit that I feel a little odd not packing up and moving right now. The last two years around this time we've been on our way to a different place. I have so many memories of these last three years and just can't wait to see what else God has in store for us.

Memories of our first year
1.) The first day Aaron and I went back to work after getting married and just watching him drive away and crying but not knowing why.
2.) Still being in college and coming home from work and working on homework.
3.) Aaron staying up until 12 in the morning working on homework and then getting up at 5am to go to work, then to school then back to work and then home.
4.) Taking care of each other during our first bout of the flu as a married couple.
5.) The day we found out we were moving to MN and went out for a celebratory dinner at, of course, TGI Friday's
6.) Our honeymoon.
7.) Bittersweet-ness of packing up the Uhaul and driving away from the only place we ever lived. The place we grew up in. But the excitement that awaited us! Oh boy I couldn't hardly contain myself.

Memories of our second year (Minnesota)
1.) Traffic
2.) Going out to dinner A LOT!
3.) Friday night movies with Caribou afterwards
4.) Horseback riding!
5.) Growing so much closer as a couple
6.) Learning that Aaron now passes out when he throws up (Something I never knew the whole 5 years we dated)
7.) Deciding to "try" to start a family
8.) The sadness yet happiness of finding out we were moving back home.

Memories of our third year-I can't believe it has been almost a year since we've been back. Seems to hard to believe. Feels like its only been a few months.
1.) Not feeling like such newlyweds anymore.
2.) Still "trying" but very much struggling to have a family.
3.) Dealing with the frustrations of not having a baby yet.
4.) Kya!! It seems like shes been with us the whole time. Its confusing to look back to a year and a half ago and know she wasn't with us. She brings much joy and comfort!
5.) Growing closer to God as a couple.
6.) Dancing around the kitchen together while we do dishes or make dinner


These are just some of the memories that flash through my mind as I think back to three years ago. I pray that God would continue to lead and guide us through each day. I pray that we would grow closer to Him as each day goes by. I also am just thanking God for the husband He gave me and for brining us closer together!

Happy Anniversary Aaron! I love you!!!

Sybaris

Aaron and I went up to Chicago this Sunday for a night away for our upcoming anniversary. We went to a place called Sybaris Pool Suites. They have different types of rooms you can choose from. Aaron and I chose the Paradise Swimming Pool Suite which was really nice. There is acutally a pool in your room with a hot tub. It was so nice and so relaxing to get away for a night and get to celebrate our anniversary. We would really like to go back sometime in the future.

Corneal Ulcers=Big Vet Bills

On Sunday Aaron and I went to a family cookout at my Aunt's house and when we got back Kya had been having problems with her one eye and had been pretty lethargic all day. We kept an eye on over night and in the morning. She would barely even open the eye and it was very goopy and runny. Aaron ended up taking her to the ER for dogs since the vet's office was closed on Memorial Day. My in-laws took her to the acutal vet's office on Tuesday because she didn't seem to be getting much better and the Dr. said she has a corneal ulcer. We've been putting some kind of antibiotic and some other stuff in her eye and she seems to be doing better tonight. She's actually started eating again and doing just a tiny bit of playing.

The poor thing looked like she was so uncomfortable and they say that those ulcers are painful. I know she's just a dog but it is still hard to see her in pain and uncomfortable. She's my little girl!

Not much else going on this week! Aaron and I are taking off for Chicago on Sunday for our anniversary! I'm so excited that we finally get to do something for our anniversary this year. The last two we have either been moving or traveling.

Not Much To Say

The last few weeks have gone by pretty quickly. Work is still moving right along and it is nice to see a dent in the student loans each month!!

Other than that not much else is going on. Aaron will be starting his next and last rotation a week from this Tuesday. This is going to be an adjustment for both of us but we'll see how it goes! It is actually kind of exciting too for Aaron I think. He is looking forward to this and hoping he likes it!

We're still walking through this infertility journey but the last few weeks have been good emotionally. God has been so good to give me strength!

Looking forward to seeing my little niece and nephew in a few weeks. They are coming down for a visit with their grandparents so we will see them a little bit then!

Well that's it for now.

Happy Birthday Kya

Today is Kya's 1st birthday!! I can't believe she is 1 already! Seems like just yesterday we went to pick her up and bring her home. Since we've had her she's provided us with a lot of laughs and comfort!! She never talks back and she always listens...the only problem is she always poops and pees in the kitchen when we leave her. I'm just hoping that someday she will miraculously quit that. I gave her a couple extra treats and some plain vanilla ice cream as a birthday present! She's my baby girl and I love her!! When we first picked her up at 9 weeks old she weighed in at 2.5lbs and she is now 8.5lbs!!! I finally got my little dog!!!

Dinners

Monday - Salmon Patties with Mashed Potatoes and Salad

Tuesday - Spaghetti and Salad

Wednesday - Brats, Corn on the Cob, and Baked Beans

Thursday - Chicken Lo Mein

Friday - Mother/Daughter banquet with Barb and Gma Meeks at Crossroads. (No cooking for me!!!)

Prescription For Contentment

I've been reading a book lately called "Calm My Anxious Heart" and I've been encouraged quite a bit while going through it. I haven't gotten very far but in one of the paragraphs in the first chapter it gives a lady's prescription for contentment. This lady was a missionary in Africa so her living conditions were very primitive, it was very hot and humid and she was living away from all the things she was familar with back in the States. These five statements were her prescription for contentment and are very convicting. I fail at these daily but they are a good reminder for me and something I need to work on.
1.) Never allow yourself to complain about anything-not even the weather.
2.) Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else.
3.) Never compare your lot with another's.
4.) Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise.
5.) Never dwell on tomorrow-remember that tomorrow is God's, not ours.

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:11-13

Monday Night-Dad and His Girl

Got a few quick pictures of Aaron and Kya laying together on the couch.

Meals For The Week

Monday - Sausage Penne with Garlic Bread and Salad

Tuesday - Tacos(for Aaron) and Grandma's Lunch Special(for me)

Wednesday - Salmon Patties and Corn

Thursday - Pork Tenderloin, Mashed Potatoes, Veggies

Friday - Chicken Fajitas

Saturday - Dinner out with my family for Mother's Day

Sunday - Dinner out with my in-laws for Mother's Day

Begging

Kya has gotten into a bad habit of begging. Our fault I guess but she won't seem to stop no matter what we do. So, we figured oh well we would have fun with it. Today we had some chicken wings and she was really wanting some of those.

Messes I Make While Cleaning

Last week I was trying to clean behind the dryer to get some of the "junk" that always falls back there and in trying to pull the hose closer to me knocked over the vauum which hit the garbage can (which was full) and knocked it down. I had made a big mess. Aaron just came around the corner when he heard it and said, "What happened?" I guess that is what I get for trying to clean.

Kya's Haircut

Took Kya to get groomed last week on my day off. She is looking good now and ready for summer! I like it when she gets cut really short. Aaron, however, prefers her to be long. I just think she looks cleaner. If it didn't cost so much to get it done I would get her groomed more often.

Why

Found out today that someone else is pregnant. All I can do is ask why? Why is it everyone else and not us? Is it ever going to be us? I came home from church, crawled in bed and just cried. Aaron came in and just layed there with me. Neither one of us even said a word. We are both so tired of it we could scream.

Meals For The Week

Monday - Tacos and Grandma's Lunch Special

Tuesday - Tortelinni (can't spell that) and Salad

Wednesday - Pancakes, Eggs and Sausage

Thursday - Chicken Parmesan and Salad

Friday - Panini Sandwiches, Chips, and Veggies

Saturday - Young Adult Cookout at our place! (brats, burgers, beans, chips, cookies!!!)

Sunday - Leftovers from the cookout maybe??

Update on Infertility

Surprise Surprise...we're STILL not pregnant. All I have to say about that is a great big UGH....

Nothing new to report though. I haven't been going to the doctor or anything. We're still trying I guess you would say but its not a forced matter anymore it just happens when it happens. I would definitely say this has relieved a lot of the stress and tension on both of us. We're both happy to just be more relaxed about it.

It does still bother me but there isn't much I can do about it. I feel like I would give almost anything to be a mom and raise children. Above all I know its in God's hands and in His timing. This is probably the biggest trial I feel like I have faced before but as we go through it I am working more on trusting God and knowing that He has a plan for us. Maybe it involves children and maybe it doesn't. I'm praying that the Lord would use this in my life to help me trust Him more and have faith for what He has laid ahead of us.

Pulled this next part from a poem I posted earlier...

All you seek, I could give; and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want -
But you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power I give to the faint;

The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.

Friend For A Week

My in-laws went up to Wisconsin a week or so ago and we watched their cat Sienna. Kya absolutely loves Sienna. I wouldn't say that Sienna loves Kya but they seem to get along pretty well. They end up chasing each other around. Mainly Kya is the one doing the chasing and then Sienna ends up turning around and smacking her with her paw. But, they did really well together this last week and we actually found them hanging out together a few times and took some pictures!

First And Last Probably

Aaron went fishing the other day at Eureka Lake while I was working and he actually ended up catching something! Just the one fish but normally he doesn't catch any so that is good! He was pretty excited anyway!

This Week's Specials

Monday - French Dip Sandwiches with Salad

Tuesday - Chicken Noodle Soup with Grilled Cheese and Veggies

Wednesday - Chicken Parmesean with Veggies

Thursday - Little Meat Loaves with Twice Baked Potatoes, Rolls and Corn

Friday - Stromboli

Saturday - Shishkabobs and Veggies

Sunday - Mashed Potatoes to Church

New Form of Exercise

Since it is starting to get so gorgeous outside I decided I wanted to try to do some exercise outside. I've always enjoyed rollerblading but just haven't done it in years so I went out and got myself a pair and Aaron and I went tonight. He ran while I bladed but it still works! We'll see how well I keep up with it! I wish Kya could go with me but poor thing would be dragging behind!

"I want my ball"

Ever since we have had Kya she has loved digging in her bag to get her toys out. Well, yesterday I caught her doing it and figured I would just take a picture. But, she just kept on digging so I started taping it. She knew exactly what she wanted!

$6.68

Recently I've been trying to save a little more at the store with actually checking the ads and cutting coupons. A friend of mine gave me a couple coupons for 1.50 off bacon and then I already had coupons for the veggies and they were on sale. Also, the butter was on sale for $1.50 and the cream cheese was only .50 cents. Kroger had the eggs on sale for $1.00 also. So after the coupons and the sale items it was only $6.68. This seems pretty good to me. Maybe not to other people but usually I would've paid somewhere between $12-$15! We'll see if we can keep it up with watching the sales and the coupons!

Not So Nice Wake Up Call

Just in case you were wondering....the ICU waiting room is not the best place to get a good night's sleep. They turn the majority of the lights off around 10:30 or 11pm and the place gets really quiet. I wasn't able to go to sleep until around 3am and I ended up just sleeping on the floor. I wish they had a comment box up here I could request that they just go out and buy a bunch of lazy boys.

Around 5 or 6am my Mom and I switched and I took the reclining chair and THEN at 7am the ICU receptionist yelled Goooooood Moooorning everyone, turned on all the lights and the next thing I knew my Mom was taking my blanket and pillow away from me. They make you give up your blankets and pillows so they can wash all the stuff and then they kick you out for an hour so they can clean the whole room.

So all in all I got around 4 hours of sleep (3 of that being on the hospital floor) and then my blankets ripped out from under me. Its all worth it though for my dear ol' Dad!

He should be getting moved out of the ICU today. I think he'll be looking forward to getting off of this floor.

Quintuple Bypass

Good evening everyone! Or should I say good morning. Its almost midnight and my Mom and I are hanging out in the ICU waiting room. Its very interesting because you would never sit so close to someone you don't know until your in an ICU waiting room and a complete stranger is sleeping right next to you. Literally I can reach out (without moving anything but my arm) and touch her. The dynamics of this waiting room seem so complex, so many different families all here for different reasons. Some people crying tears of joy and others tears of sorrow. All within 10 feet of each other. But, wer'e all here for the same reason. Family. Someone is ill, hurt, in surgery, and others they don't know for sure what is wrong. But family is why were all here. And that is something we can all relate to. At any point it could be families that are here because of a sick child, a tramatic accident, a surgery, a cancer patient that is not doing well or an elderly patient.

On Monday March 29th my Dad went in for bypass surgery. They were going to do either 5 or 6 bypass grafts around his heart. The surgery didn't seem to take very long. I think they got started somewhere between 8 and 9. Closer to 9 I think and they were done around 12 or 1. They said he did really great and it went well. They ended up doing 5 and they explained why they didn't do the 6th but its too hard for me to explain?? Earlier this morning (Tuesday) he was pretty calm and didn't say to much. When I came back after work he was sitting up and eating and talking. They moved him into an actual ICU room (he was just in recovery)and he got up and did some walking. After the walking they had to put him on some oxygen because he ended up walking farther than he had the previous times. They ended up having to move him back into the recovery room because they needed his room for a patient that needed more attention. Overall, they say he is doing great. His blood pressure, heart rate and oxygen seem to be doing good. His oxygen will kind of waver back and forth to where they need to put him on some oxygen but then he usually goes right back off of it.

Mom and I are just hanging out just in case he needs one of us. Thank you all for your prayers, phone calls, and support.

You truly never know how much someone means to you until there is some chance that that person won't be with you anymore. I love my Dad and all the things He has done for me and just regret being that crummy teenager that always talked back and fought with him on a lot of things. I love you Dad!

Lord, thank you for guiding the doctors' and nurses' hands and giving them the knowledge and wisdom to complete this procedure. Thank you for the strength you gave my Dad and my family and just all the encouragement and support from family and friends. I ask Lord that you would continue to strengthen and encourage my Dad physically and give my Mom strength to continue being there for him. And Lord I ask that you wrap your arms around all these families here tonight. You know what their going through and just ask that you give them peace and rest and that they would trust in you. Amen.

The Last Few Weeks

March has flown by so quickly I can't believe April is right around the corner. There have been a few things that have come up this month.

I'm on my 5th week of work now and it is going well. I miss not being able to be home with my baby Kya all day and hate the fact that I have lock her up everyday when I leave. She seems so upset and just screeches when I walk out and close that door. Breaks my heart because I wish I could be here with her all day. I know she is just a dog but she is our baby!! She scared us a couple weeks ago. Aaron and I were just sitting ont he couch reading and she started coughing like she was choking. We thought maybe she just had something stuck in her mouth and let her try to just cough it up. After about a half an hour she was still doing it pretty bad and we started to get worried. We decided to run her to the Animal Emergency Clinic and after 2 X-rays, some meds, an exam and $300 later they told us she had a cough. Feeling better that my baby was alright I was just frustrated with the cost of it. But overall, her health is more important.

Also, my Dad went in for an angiogram on Monday March 15th and they ended up finding too many blockages to do any stents. He met with a surgeon this last Tuesday and they decided on doing a quintuple bypass possibly 6. (I don't know the name for that) He has the surgery on Monday March 29th so we will be at the hospital on Monday and then I am also taking Wednesday off to be up there with my Mom. I'm a little worried and nervous but just trusting and praying that the Lord will bring him through this. Praying that God will guide the surgeon's hands and give them wisdom throughout the surgery.

Aaron also found out today that most likely he will be moving on to his supervisor rotation. It will be in Mossville, IL and it will be 3rd shift. He is looking forward to this because purchasing has not been one of his favorite rotations. He first thought that he was going to be "frozen" in purchasing but found this news out today. He said it is 99.9% sure that he will be moving on. It will be a big adjustment for us. We are looking forward to it but just getting adjusted to the new schedule will be hard. Also, to be honest I'm a little afraid of the dark so this could be a little scary sleeping by myself at night.

Lots of things going on lately it seems like. Just thankful that the Lord is always with us giving us strength and guidance and wonderful family and friends for support.

"Wait"

A friend of mine shared this with me a few weeks ago (she saw it on one of her friend's facebook wall) thinking I might enjoy it. It really hit the spot when I read it and touched my heart! God knows what we need right when we need it and knows exactly just how to provide us with that.

"Wait"

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said,
'Child, you must wait.'
'Wait? You say wait!' my indignant reply.
'Lord I need answers, I need to know why!
Is Your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and am claiming Your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'Yes,' a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'No,' to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!'

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, 'You must wait.'
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled at God, "So, I'm waiting... for what?"

He seemed, then, to kneel
And His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give; and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want -
But you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power I give to the faint;

You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me;
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that, 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' my answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'Wait.'"


Pages 99-100 of Heather Paulsen's book "Emotional Purity"

Menu For The Week

Monday- BBQ chicken, baked potato and veggies

Tuesday- Salmon patties and corn

Wednesday- French dip sandwiches and veggies

Thursday- Chicken kiev and rice

Friday- Longhorn Steakhouse (date night with Aaron)

Satruday- Grilled Cheese

Sunday- Homemade Pizza

Adventures in Babysitting

Last weekend Aaron and I headed up to Wisconsin to visit family and also get our taxes done. So, on Friday we got the chance to watch our niece (Ava) and nephew (Eli) while their parents were at work. These kids are great! We love them and love spending time with them. They always make us smile and give us a laugh. In the morning we made some music with their instruments then did a little craft project with glitter and glue and then took them out to lunch. Eli wasn't so much into the project but Ava really enjoyed it and had a good time. After lunch it was nap time and that was pretty much the day! We had a good time watching them and I always say I would snatch those two kids up and bring them home with me but for some reason their mother won't let me!

Rejoice with those who rejoice

First of all, is this winter ever going to end?? I'm getting a little worn out with all the cold and snow all the time. Come late July though I'll be wishing it was cold like this. Anyways, I can't believe February is almost over. It seems unreal that we have been moved back for almost 8 months.

Well just a couple updates as well. Aaron did have his meeting at work regarding June rotations. There are 11 openings for 19 people that need those openings. Therefore, the people that do not end up getting put in those spots will be "frozen" in their position. That basically means that they will just be stuck in the same rotation for another 6 months. Turns out there are 4 rotations open around this area. The other ones are in San Diego, Georgia and one in Aurora IL. I think Aaron is going to try to get one of the rotations around here and then if not he will voluntarily "freeze" himself. This really isn't what he wants but we feel it is a better decision than moving halfway across the country. So, anways, we'll see what the Lord has planned for us.

Another update is that I got a job!! I was hoping to find something part-time and had just started looking around early this week. I was mainly looking in the retail area such as grocery stores or places similar to that. I applied to a couple of the grocery stores around here but they were not hiring. Then, I stopped by GFS, a grocery store in Peoria and was picking up some soup and saw that they were accepting applications. I figured I would fill one out. Well, I dropped it off on Wednesday and the manager told me to come back in on Thursday for an interview. After that interview I was asked to come back for a second interview on Saturday. Well after the interview he offered me a job and I took it!!! I start on Tuesday. I spoke with him about not coming in until after church on Sunday afternoons and trying to get the first and third Fridays of the month off for Bible Study. He seemed to think that would not be a problem. So, I thought that was very encouraging and thankful that God had provided me with a job so quickly. I enjoy being at home all the time and am sure I will miss it at times but felt I should go back to work. The main reason I was staying home since we moved back was because we were hoping to get pregnant. We never thought it would take this long. Since, that is obviously not happening I figured why not go back to work? That is I guess where we are at now. One problem with going back to work is Kya is going to be very upset with me. She already has this problem of pooping in her crate when we leave her so we'll see if me being gone more often will help her get over this?

As far as trying to get pregnant I think we have put that on the back burner for now. We kind of go back and forth wondering if we should still try but not force anything, kind of in the trying to whatever mode. In that case we would not really try to avoid getting pregnant but not really try to get pregnant. The TTW(trying to whatever) phase and TTA(trying to avoid) phase however really aren't that different for us since we can't seem to get pregnant anyway. We probably won't have to try really hard to not get pregnant.

Romans 12:15 says "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I know this verse to be true and understand it but to be quite honest I am having a hard time living out this truth right now. Especially the rejoice with those who rejoice. It goes back to the feeling of being surrounded with everything baby; seeing babies, hearing of people that have had babies recently, pregnant women (whether it be seeing pregnant women or hearing that so and so is pregnant) and the good ole facebook announcements of "We're pregnant" or however they decide to word it. Its hard for us infertile people to deal with that and feel like if we see one more ultrasound picture we are going to lose it. It gets to the point to where when you hear of someone else getting pregnant or that someone else just had a baby it hurts. No matter how close you are to that person or if you don't hardly even know them. Its like heartbreak all over again. Just when you start to feel better about it, BAM another announcement. I realize this probably is not the right attitude to have. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for those people and excited for them but deep down it also hurts and takes time to just become numb to that feeling. I am trying to work on this and praying that I would have a better attitude about it and that God is trying to teach me a lot of different things during this. A few of those things are patience, accepting His will and His timing, being thankful for EVERY thing and EVERY way He has provided for us. There are times when Aaron and I look back on things and just think WOW the Lord worked that out for us or He really provided for us with this or with that. And, it's things that at that moment in time we fail to give Him credit for that, thinking that it just fell into place when really God worked it out for us. I'm trying to focus more on all the things that He provides for us daily and just all the ways that He is our comfort and our hope during this trial. Tonight I'm thanking Him for Aaron, a warm house, food on the table, amazing friends and family, wonderful body of believers at Free Grace, a job for both Aaron and I, Kya and pretty much everything else!

I apoligize if this is too honest or too blunt but like I said earlier this is a way for me to get my thoughts/feelings out there. Kind of like a journal but not on paper.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6

Summer/Fall 2009

I know it has been a while since I've updated this. But I left off around the summer of 2009. We had moved back to IL and we were excited about that. We decided I would go see Dr Shay in September. Dr. Shay is actually the doctor that delivered me 23 years ago! He helped my mom with her pregnancies because she had trouble getting pregnant and just problems throughout her pregnancies. He started out by just having me take my temperature (basal body temperature) for a month. When I went back in October he said that I didn't ovulate so he assumed I just wasn't ovulating which is why we weren't getting pregnant. He wanted to start me on Clomid which is used to help induce ovulation. I couldn't start it in October though because I was already past the point in my cycle when it needed to be taken. The medicine is taken on cycle days 5-9 and wouldn't you know I happened to be on cycle day 7. So it then caused more waiting and anticipation because we had to wait until my next cycle to start the medicine. In November I went back to him and started the Clomid. Didn't really notice any side effects except maybe being a little moody and irritable. My temperature started to look a little better and seemed to be regulating and showing more of a pattern. However, the first month the medicine didn't work obviously so he then set up an appointment for a post-coital test which is actually not the funnest thing to go through. Its actually pretty simple. You set up an appointment in the early morning, (I don't know the best way to put this so I'll just say it)have sex about an hour before and then go into the Dr's office and they take a sample from me to see how many sperm there are, if they are alive and how they are moving. Well we went in for that and we actually joked about it before hand because Aaron had to take a half day off of work for this. So the test came back with not good results. He said there were hardly any sperm and none were alive. Aaron came to this appointment with me and when the Dr said that Aaron's face turned about as white as a sheet. I was afraid he was going to pass out sitting right there. We both went into this figuring it would be sort of a formality I guess. Just something we would cross off the list and say ok that was fine what do we try next. WRONG! We were both pretty upset after that appointment and that is when I really started feeling like we would never have kids. I remember feeling pretty numb that day and just went through the rest of day in robot-like fashion. We didn't say a whole lot to each other about it and tried to put it out of our minds. Key word there being tried. Which on a side note-I don't know how many times we've heard, "Oh just stop thinking about it and stewing over it and it will happen." Let me just say...not the best advice. How do you put something like this out of your mind when its something you want so badly? Anyways, I had to take the Clomid again in December and this time the dose was 100mg (doubled from last month). That month I noticed the side effects a little more. Increasingly moody and irritable and pretty much unbearable for Aaron. Things that would not normally bother me felt like the end of the world. That feeling would go on for days after I had finished the medicine. We also had to have Aaron go for a semen analysis to see if there really was something wrong since the post-coital test came back with poor results. So the Monday after Christmas we went for that test and spent the next day and a half on pins and needles waiting for results. When we went to pick up the results from the hospital we both had a sick feeling in our stomach pretty much expecting bad results. We were feeling like all we were getting was bad news. But, the results were GREAT! How can the one test come out so bad and this one be great?? Well the Dr couldn't explain that either. It then turns back to me. What is going on with me that is not allowing my to get pregnant? Are we trying too hard? Thinking about it too much? Not putting our faith and trust in God knowing that He knows whats best for our lives and its in His timing not ours? I felt like I had all these questions and wanted answers that noone could provide. I wanted someone to just tell me WHY? I feel guilty about that because I feel like I am fighting the Lord on it and that is not what I want. He knows the answers and I just need to trust in that and be obedient to His will and plan for our lives. So December came and went with still no pregnancy. At this point I was starting to feel pretty depressed about the situation. There were days where I would do nothing but sit on the couch and cry and sleep. I got into that rut where I felt more robot-like and just went through the day in a haze kind of, not really caring about much. I know that Aaron was pretty upst about it too but he doesn't show it like I do or talk about it. We felt like we kept getting knocked down with bad news and as soon as we would get back up we would get knocked back down again. I didn't know how much longer I could continue doing that. I went back to the Dr in January and he wanted to try a higher dose of Clomid and now an antibiotic and also an HCG shot, and another post-coital test and if that didn't turn out with good results a hysterosalpingogram which in short is basically an x-ray of your reproductive organs. I felt increasingly overwhelmed at that appointment. He also started talking about intrauterine insemination and in vitro fertilization. I felt like we were getting in over our heads and too deep into all this. Aaron and I talked about it and decided to just stop with all the appointments and the medicine and the tests. We couldn't handle much more of it and needed a break. That is pretty much where we are at now. We decided to give it a rest for a while and continue to pray for direction and guidance from the Lord as to what He wants us to be doing. In the meantime we're focusing on eating healthier, more exercising and losing weight. We'll see what the next few months bring. In about the next 2-4 months we should find out what Aaron's job will have us do next-whether it be staying in IL or moving again. We are actually talking about trying to move again but we are putting that in God's hands!