Holding Back Tears

Finally got some good news today! Literally holding back tears right now. We finally got approved from our insurance company to see a fertility specialist. They denied us back in January 2010 so now we are approved for a year. The other good thing is that with our insurance we have what they call "Enhanced Fertility Coverage" so it should cover quite a bit of stuff. Now I'm just waiting to hear back from the fertility doctor to set up an appointment.

Hannah's Hope

I received a book today from a dear friend called "Hannah's Hope." Its about seeking God's heart in the middle of infertility, miscarriage and adoption loss. I haven't gotten to far into it but I love it so far. The author and her husband have struggled with all of these things. I'm thankful for the book and for the friends who have been there and been walking through this struggle with me.

http://www.hannah.org/

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

For we walk by faith not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He will do it. Psalm 37:5

Commit your works to the Lord and your plans will be established. Proverbs 16:3

How do we trust in the Lord with all our hearts?
1.) Abandon all dependence on what we know
A. Divides our heart
B. Our minds are corrupted
Psalm 94:19 When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul.

Romans 12:3 For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgement, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.
C. Our thoughts are contrary to God's thoughts
Isaiah 55:8-9 For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.

2.) We need to embrace the Lord
A. Fellowship
-Deeper and fuller knowledge of the one in whom we trust.
B. Seek Him
2 Chronicles 15:2 ...The Lord is with you when you are with Him. And if you seek Him, He will let you find Him; but if you forsake Him, He will forsake you.

James 4:8 Draw near to God and he will draw near to you.

Promise given to those who trust in Him
A. Knowledge of His word
B. Grace

Temping

Since we're trying to set up an appointment with a fertility specialist I figured I should start taking my temperature again. So, here goes nothing!! We'll see what kind of wacky peaks and valleys I get this cycle!

Daytime Sleeping

This is what the window now looks like in our bedroom. Since Aaron is now having to sleep during the middle of the day he needed something to block out the light. Although I don't care for the looks of this I suppose it will have to do for the next year, that is until he goes back to sleeping at night...like normal.





With this blanket up all the time and the light turned off it is always "nighttime" in the bedroom now.

The Smell Of Fresh

I am bound and determined to get that fresh smelling scent that your clothes get when hung out on the line. Since we can't acutally put a clothesline in the ground this is the best I could do. It seems to be working...a little tiny bit at least. And also saving money since I don't have to put them in the dryer.

The first time I used it though I had to rewash all the clothes because it tipped over right into the muddy grass. I have since learned to secure it by putting one of Aaron's weights at the bottom and that seems to work just fine!

Exhausted

...After a busy day of playing at Grandma and Grandpa Bell's.

Indescribable...

Amount of pain I'm feeling right now...

PLEASE READ

A friend gave me this link and I love it. Please check it out.

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Back To The Doctor...

Aaron and I are considering going back to the doctor. We will however go see a different one than we did before but I think we would like to try some other things. See what a different doctor recommends. We might even try one of the fertility clinics around here instead of just a regular OB/GYN. We'll see, I'll just have to make a few phone calls and see when I can get in. I also need to check with insurance and see what they cover. We ran into some issues in January because they hadn't considered it "a year of unprotected intercourse" even though it was.

I was talking to my mother-in law the other day and told her that if someone told me back in December/January that we wouldn't be pregnant by now I would've lost my mind.

Thankful that God's grace has gotten me through these last 6 months and no matter how bad a day can be emotionally He always brings me through.

No More Temperature

So far this month I have disregarded the temperature taking. I have actually filed the sheet with all the temps on it in a drawer where I don't have to see them everyday. Its been nice not having any idea what cycle day I'm on and worrying/wondering if tomorrow's temp would be higher/lower than the day before.

So temperature taking for the month of June is a no go and I'm enjoying it so much I think I will continue this for quite a while!

Alone Without Answers?

I don't know how to begin this or put it gently. I wish there was someone else going through this infertility struggle to talk with. Someone here, not over the internet, over the phone or anything else. Just here. Not that I wish this on anyone else but having someone to talk to that "REALLY" understands, someone walking through the same struggle and same battle. Maybe I shouldn't refer to it as a battle but thats what it feels like, in my head. Its not that I don't have anybody to talk to its just wanting to talk to someone else that is going through this. There are days when going through this I just feel like spilling all this out thats running through my head. But then spilling it all out to someone who isn't going through it or has never gone through it seems confusing to them. If I hear the saying "Your still young, just enjoy the time you two have together" I might just have to scream.

Things I'm thinking about as month after month after month goes by....with still just one line showing up on that test.
1.) Do we go back to the doctor?
2.) If we do go back to the doctor when should we actually go back? Next month? 3 months? 6 months?
3.) At what point do we start talking about adoption?
4.) Where do we even begin to get help with adoption if we decide to pursue that route?
5.) Do we stop with absolutely everything? No temp taking, no doctor appointments no forcing anything?
6.) How do I prepare myself for more announcements that are sure to come??
7.) Why do I feel like I never get any answers??
8.) If God never allows us to have any children whether biological or not will I be "unhappy and struggling" with this forever?

One last thing...
Why does this have to be SO hard?

Sweet, Sweet Memories

Tomorrow (June 9th) will be Aaron and I's 3 year anniversary. It really does seem like just yesterday we got married. I can't help but think back and see the mental/visual images of the last three years running through my mind. I'm so thankful for the husband God gave me. He really is the other half of me and as time has gone on I can see how we've learned to work together more and more everyday with the Lord watching over us and guiding us. However, I do have to admit that I feel a little odd not packing up and moving right now. The last two years around this time we've been on our way to a different place. I have so many memories of these last three years and just can't wait to see what else God has in store for us.

Memories of our first year
1.) The first day Aaron and I went back to work after getting married and just watching him drive away and crying but not knowing why.
2.) Still being in college and coming home from work and working on homework.
3.) Aaron staying up until 12 in the morning working on homework and then getting up at 5am to go to work, then to school then back to work and then home.
4.) Taking care of each other during our first bout of the flu as a married couple.
5.) The day we found out we were moving to MN and went out for a celebratory dinner at, of course, TGI Friday's
6.) Our honeymoon.
7.) Bittersweet-ness of packing up the Uhaul and driving away from the only place we ever lived. The place we grew up in. But the excitement that awaited us! Oh boy I couldn't hardly contain myself.

Memories of our second year (Minnesota)
1.) Traffic
2.) Going out to dinner A LOT!
3.) Friday night movies with Caribou afterwards
4.) Horseback riding!
5.) Growing so much closer as a couple
6.) Learning that Aaron now passes out when he throws up (Something I never knew the whole 5 years we dated)
7.) Deciding to "try" to start a family
8.) The sadness yet happiness of finding out we were moving back home.

Memories of our third year-I can't believe it has been almost a year since we've been back. Seems to hard to believe. Feels like its only been a few months.
1.) Not feeling like such newlyweds anymore.
2.) Still "trying" but very much struggling to have a family.
3.) Dealing with the frustrations of not having a baby yet.
4.) Kya!! It seems like shes been with us the whole time. Its confusing to look back to a year and a half ago and know she wasn't with us. She brings much joy and comfort!
5.) Growing closer to God as a couple.
6.) Dancing around the kitchen together while we do dishes or make dinner


These are just some of the memories that flash through my mind as I think back to three years ago. I pray that God would continue to lead and guide us through each day. I pray that we would grow closer to Him as each day goes by. I also am just thanking God for the husband He gave me and for brining us closer together!

Happy Anniversary Aaron! I love you!!!

Sybaris

Aaron and I went up to Chicago this Sunday for a night away for our upcoming anniversary. We went to a place called Sybaris Pool Suites. They have different types of rooms you can choose from. Aaron and I chose the Paradise Swimming Pool Suite which was really nice. There is acutally a pool in your room with a hot tub. It was so nice and so relaxing to get away for a night and get to celebrate our anniversary. We would really like to go back sometime in the future.

Corneal Ulcers=Big Vet Bills

On Sunday Aaron and I went to a family cookout at my Aunt's house and when we got back Kya had been having problems with her one eye and had been pretty lethargic all day. We kept an eye on over night and in the morning. She would barely even open the eye and it was very goopy and runny. Aaron ended up taking her to the ER for dogs since the vet's office was closed on Memorial Day. My in-laws took her to the acutal vet's office on Tuesday because she didn't seem to be getting much better and the Dr. said she has a corneal ulcer. We've been putting some kind of antibiotic and some other stuff in her eye and she seems to be doing better tonight. She's actually started eating again and doing just a tiny bit of playing.

The poor thing looked like she was so uncomfortable and they say that those ulcers are painful. I know she's just a dog but it is still hard to see her in pain and uncomfortable. She's my little girl!

Not much else going on this week! Aaron and I are taking off for Chicago on Sunday for our anniversary! I'm so excited that we finally get to do something for our anniversary this year. The last two we have either been moving or traveling.