I don't know how to begin this or put it gently. I wish there was someone else going through this infertility struggle to talk with. Someone here, not over the internet, over the phone or anything else. Just here. Not that I wish this on anyone else but having someone to talk to that "REALLY" understands, someone walking through the same struggle and same battle. Maybe I shouldn't refer to it as a battle but thats what it feels like, in my head. Its not that I don't have anybody to talk to its just wanting to talk to someone else that is going through this. There are days when going through this I just feel like spilling all this out thats running through my head. But then spilling it all out to someone who isn't going through it or has never gone through it seems confusing to them. If I hear the saying "Your still young, just enjoy the time you two have together" I might just have to scream.
Things I'm thinking about as month after month after month goes by....with still just one line showing up on that test.
1.) Do we go back to the doctor?
2.) If we do go back to the doctor when should we actually go back? Next month? 3 months? 6 months?
3.) At what point do we start talking about adoption?
4.) Where do we even begin to get help with adoption if we decide to pursue that route?
5.) Do we stop with absolutely everything? No temp taking, no doctor appointments no forcing anything?
6.) How do I prepare myself for more announcements that are sure to come??
7.) Why do I feel like I never get any answers??
8.) If God never allows us to have any children whether biological or not will I be "unhappy and struggling" with this forever?
One last thing...
Why does this have to be SO hard?
So sorry, Sammy.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry your heart hurts so much.
Sorry for the ache and the empty arms and the twisted feeling in your tummy when you see others with babies to hold.
Sorry you have to go through this.
Sorry I can't give you a hug.
Sorry you feel so alone.
Praying that God will bring peace to your heart tonight.
Love,
Hayley
Some thoughts...
ReplyDeleteIn some ways I wish I could take this pain from you, to take this trial away; but as I know is true from scripture and even as I look back at my own life, it would be a great disservice to you spiritually. So I watch you suffer and my heart hurts for you...but I am priveleged to help you carry this heavy weight. Thank you for allowing me to do so by sharing.
God has entrusted this particular trial to you. Why, this particular trial, I don't know. Why does He entrust to some brain cancer? Why does He entrust to some prison? Why does He entrust to some infidelity of a spouse or death of a child? and on and on and on "...that the proof of your faith being more precious than gold that is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."
Why trials in general? This I do know. (1 Peter 1:4-9,James 1:2-4)
It seems you are learning some valuable life lessons.
-patience with others. I don't know if some of the difficult, cold, or even thoughtless seeming comments people give you are from believers, but I am guessing that this is so. These comments can come from several reasons, from well-meaning or ignorance of the situation or even spiritual immaturity or sometimes just plain thoughtlessness or even from wrong motives. (Paul had similar experiences as did David) Unfortuanately they come but I believe the Lord would have you learn several things. (to learn to be careful in our own comments to others; learning from a neg ex. learn to be more and more sensitive to others hurts and needs. perhaps to learn that there are those to whom we should share our deepest burdens and there are those to whom it might be better if we don't. To exercise patience and long suffering towards our brothers and sisters in Christ and love, the same kind that is exercised toward us by others and by our Lord most of all.)
con't...
ReplyDelete-as helpful as it is to find people who have struggled with the same sort of struggle and how edifying this can be, it is not necessary to have struggled in the same way as others to comfort them with the comfort from God. "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in ALL our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in ANY affliction with the comfort which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Cor. 1:3-4
recieve the comfort from those who are spiritual around you. This is true comfort from God. They need not have experienced the same thing in order to understand the meaning of great trial.
-God is for sure desiring you to be a comfort to others in the future if indeed you learn this lesson well. It probably will include those who will suffer in the same way but will not be limited to this. keep your heart tender, no matter How he blesses in the future.
-remember this valley. In the future when you are eating the blessings of the manna from heaven (and you will) you would be wise to bring your mind back to this time to recall God's faithfulness in the valley of the shadows of death.
Full trust in Him is what He desires for you. What this means in answering some of your particular questions, I do not know. I would encourage you in regards to these particular questions to continue to seek godly counsel. There is freedom in Christ I believe in answer to many of these. How would God desire you to act? This is part of the wrestling in the Christian life that is difficult yet so profitable for us. It forces us to dig deep in God's word, to be humbled more and more on our knees in prayer to Him. THIS is what He desires for each of His own. THIS position of brokeness is the BEST position to be in. THIS would not be in our lives because of the sin that yet indwells us if He did not entrust us with various trials...we are weak and lazy and desire ease and comfort and our own pleasure. He wants us to learn to desire what is FAR BETTER; that which is eternal.
Loving you Sam, truely
I pray that God will bless you guys biologically, but if that's not His choice and you start to think a little about adoption, let me know. I've done many hours of research and have some resources for you. Not that we're adopting right now, but it's definitely a possibility for the future! Right now we're praying along with you for pregnancy -- but we don't know God's plan for our lives either.
ReplyDeleteLove you! :)
Thanks Rebekah for your prayers! I will keep that in mind about your resources for adoption. I would be so overwhelmed so I'm glad I have someone who can give me some info! We're praying for you guys too as far as having children. Can't wait to "actually" meet you when you come visit that gorgeous niece of yours!
ReplyDeleteLove ya back!