Summer/Fall 2009

I know it has been a while since I've updated this. But I left off around the summer of 2009. We had moved back to IL and we were excited about that. We decided I would go see Dr Shay in September. Dr. Shay is actually the doctor that delivered me 23 years ago! He helped my mom with her pregnancies because she had trouble getting pregnant and just problems throughout her pregnancies. He started out by just having me take my temperature (basal body temperature) for a month. When I went back in October he said that I didn't ovulate so he assumed I just wasn't ovulating which is why we weren't getting pregnant. He wanted to start me on Clomid which is used to help induce ovulation. I couldn't start it in October though because I was already past the point in my cycle when it needed to be taken. The medicine is taken on cycle days 5-9 and wouldn't you know I happened to be on cycle day 7. So it then caused more waiting and anticipation because we had to wait until my next cycle to start the medicine. In November I went back to him and started the Clomid. Didn't really notice any side effects except maybe being a little moody and irritable. My temperature started to look a little better and seemed to be regulating and showing more of a pattern. However, the first month the medicine didn't work obviously so he then set up an appointment for a post-coital test which is actually not the funnest thing to go through. Its actually pretty simple. You set up an appointment in the early morning, (I don't know the best way to put this so I'll just say it)have sex about an hour before and then go into the Dr's office and they take a sample from me to see how many sperm there are, if they are alive and how they are moving. Well we went in for that and we actually joked about it before hand because Aaron had to take a half day off of work for this. So the test came back with not good results. He said there were hardly any sperm and none were alive. Aaron came to this appointment with me and when the Dr said that Aaron's face turned about as white as a sheet. I was afraid he was going to pass out sitting right there. We both went into this figuring it would be sort of a formality I guess. Just something we would cross off the list and say ok that was fine what do we try next. WRONG! We were both pretty upset after that appointment and that is when I really started feeling like we would never have kids. I remember feeling pretty numb that day and just went through the rest of day in robot-like fashion. We didn't say a whole lot to each other about it and tried to put it out of our minds. Key word there being tried. Which on a side note-I don't know how many times we've heard, "Oh just stop thinking about it and stewing over it and it will happen." Let me just say...not the best advice. How do you put something like this out of your mind when its something you want so badly? Anyways, I had to take the Clomid again in December and this time the dose was 100mg (doubled from last month). That month I noticed the side effects a little more. Increasingly moody and irritable and pretty much unbearable for Aaron. Things that would not normally bother me felt like the end of the world. That feeling would go on for days after I had finished the medicine. We also had to have Aaron go for a semen analysis to see if there really was something wrong since the post-coital test came back with poor results. So the Monday after Christmas we went for that test and spent the next day and a half on pins and needles waiting for results. When we went to pick up the results from the hospital we both had a sick feeling in our stomach pretty much expecting bad results. We were feeling like all we were getting was bad news. But, the results were GREAT! How can the one test come out so bad and this one be great?? Well the Dr couldn't explain that either. It then turns back to me. What is going on with me that is not allowing my to get pregnant? Are we trying too hard? Thinking about it too much? Not putting our faith and trust in God knowing that He knows whats best for our lives and its in His timing not ours? I felt like I had all these questions and wanted answers that noone could provide. I wanted someone to just tell me WHY? I feel guilty about that because I feel like I am fighting the Lord on it and that is not what I want. He knows the answers and I just need to trust in that and be obedient to His will and plan for our lives. So December came and went with still no pregnancy. At this point I was starting to feel pretty depressed about the situation. There were days where I would do nothing but sit on the couch and cry and sleep. I got into that rut where I felt more robot-like and just went through the day in a haze kind of, not really caring about much. I know that Aaron was pretty upst about it too but he doesn't show it like I do or talk about it. We felt like we kept getting knocked down with bad news and as soon as we would get back up we would get knocked back down again. I didn't know how much longer I could continue doing that. I went back to the Dr in January and he wanted to try a higher dose of Clomid and now an antibiotic and also an HCG shot, and another post-coital test and if that didn't turn out with good results a hysterosalpingogram which in short is basically an x-ray of your reproductive organs. I felt increasingly overwhelmed at that appointment. He also started talking about intrauterine insemination and in vitro fertilization. I felt like we were getting in over our heads and too deep into all this. Aaron and I talked about it and decided to just stop with all the appointments and the medicine and the tests. We couldn't handle much more of it and needed a break. That is pretty much where we are at now. We decided to give it a rest for a while and continue to pray for direction and guidance from the Lord as to what He wants us to be doing. In the meantime we're focusing on eating healthier, more exercising and losing weight. We'll see what the next few months bring. In about the next 2-4 months we should find out what Aaron's job will have us do next-whether it be staying in IL or moving again. We are actually talking about trying to move again but we are putting that in God's hands!