Switched Agencies

After much praying and discussion we have decided to switch agencies. In some ways this was really tough and in other ways it wasn't.

The new agency is called Family Core. They handle domestic adoptions but also do foster care. We are on the foster care side of things. The primary goal with this is reunification but if that is not possible we could potentially adopt the child.

Foster care was not something I would have considered a year ago. But, as we were going through the waiting phase of adopting through ABC we started thinking about it and discussing it. Our plan was to adopt from ABC first and then do foster care later on down the road. We figured while we waited we could at least get the training and classes done ahead of time while we don't have a lot of other responsibilites. As we were going to the classes God started to change our hearts. It wasn't all about bringing home this brand new newborn that would be all ours. During the classes we learned how much these children need good families, whether it be on a temporary basis or if the Lord wills, a permanent basis. After each session our desire to do this grew more and more.

Once we talked with Family Core and they answered all our questions we set up a meeting with them. A licensing worker came to the house and talked to us briefly. We signed a release form so she could get our home study from ABC. She said once she got that and some other forms we had to fill out she would send it off to DCFS. After DCFS does their part we should get a full fledged foster care license in the mail!!!!! We are definitely excited about it!

We are praying that we would bring honor and glory to God through this. That His will would be done and that we would trust His plan for our family.

Still Torn In Two Different Directions

In my previous post I said Aaron and I were thinking about possibly switching our license to a different agency and doing foster care.

There are so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind as we try to weigh the options. I really want to help these kids in the foster system but at the same time I so long for that child, my child(adopted or biological). I'm sure I've mentioned this before but being a mom is what I've always wanted to do. To say things haven't gone the way that I planned would be an understatement. Its been 3 years since we started "trying" to have kids. I would have never guessed that we would still be childless.

I've been thinking/praying/talking with Aaron about why to/why not to switch.

Here are some of the things we've been considering.
1.) Staying with ABC means a newborn baby that will be ours that isn't going to be reunited with their birth family.
             A. However, we could get matched with a birthmom while she is only a few months pregnant and then once she goes into labor she can change her mind. If that is the case then we are back at square one again waiting to get matched.

2.) We could switch to foster care and get a placement of a child that then returns home and were back to being a childless couple again.

3.) We're 9 months into waiting with ABC. I know this doesn't mean we're X number of months away from getting a baby but it seems like were much closer than before.

4.) If we switch to foster care, Lord willing we could make such a difference in these kids' lives. There are a lot of people that foster that end up adopting the children but there are plenty of times they return home to their families. And, if their families are safe and stable they should return home.

I always had this vision in my head of when we would have kids. It was the pretty traditional view...get pregnant, buy all the cutesy baby stuff, have baby, adjust to life as new parents and then a while down the road start all over again. Until we decided we were done having kids. Do you see a problem with this? Its all my vision, my wants, my thoughts, my ways. Where was God's plan in all of my vision? Why hadn't I considered what He wanted for us? He knows whats best for us.

One day I'm leaning more towards foster care and the next day I lean more towards staying with ABC. However, I don't feel completely at peace with either decision. I know there isn't a rush to make a decision right away but I am struggling to know what path God is leading us down.

I think this is such a hard decision for many reasons. But I'll name a few. One being giving up the control of what "I" wanted/thought for a family. When we struggled with infertility it was so hard to have to give up the idea that we might never have biological children. We might never get that experience of a positive pregnancy test, baby registries, baby showers, nurseries that are gender specific (sounds stupid but I'm particular on that one) labor and bringing our biological child home from the hospital. God opened our hearts to adoption and I'm so glad He did, I can't imagine adoption not being a part of our lives but the waiting is definitely hard. I think this comes back to giving up control again. There is nothing I can do to make this happen. Its all out of our hands. All we can do is sit and wait and pray that God will give us strength to get through this and grow closer to Him through this. I do think He is accomplishing this and drawing us closer to Him as each day goes by. He's the one who orchestrates all this. He is teaching me so much and I'm so thankful for that. I never realized just how important prayer is and putting all things in His hands. Its so hard for me to not keep taking it back in my hands.

With adoption we would still get the experience of bringing home a new baby and putting together a nursery and some of those traditional things. So, to switch to foster care means me letting go of another thing that was so important to me. Foster care brings a lot of uncertainty. We wouldn't know if we should be prepared for a girl, boy, infant, 1.5 year old or 3 year old.

This is why I'm having such a hard time deciding to leave ABC. If we do, then we give up on that too. Which means we will never know if we will get to experience an infant. Its so hard because being a mom is what I've always wanted to do and I'm just not sure what God is wanting us to do right now.

I feel like if foster care wasn't in His plans He would've closed the door on us taking the classes, or during the classes we would've thought this is not something we want to take on. Instead, the classes made us all the more interested and wanting to do this. He showed us just how much they need loving, christian, stable families that are willing to fulfill the needs of these children. My heart wants to help these kids so bad. I want to protect them and care for them and pray that God would show Himself to them. Even if they were with us for a short time...what a ministry..to show them the love of Christ.



So, how do I feel torn in two completely different directions?

Should we stay...or go...

We've been going back and forth on adoption and foster care lately. We're not sure whether to stay with ABC (our current agency) or switch to a different agency and focus more on foster care.

We've been taking the foster pride training for the last 8 weeks. Our last session is this coming Saturday. I will definitely be glad to have my Saturdays back.

We never went into adoption thinking foster care. We figured we would adopt and then when we were ready for another one we would adopt again. An actual pregnancy is no longer a topic we discuss since we figure that is out the window, and I'm OK with that.

As we've been trekking along in our adoption wait, foster care started coming into our minds and in our discussions. We decided we would at least take the classes to get those done and then maybe after we adopt from ABC we would do foster care later on down the road.

I don't think I've posted much (if any) about our frustrations with our current agency. I won't explain the details but things seem to be going a little downhill and we're just not sure we are comfortable staying with them. Its not like very serious stuff just little frustrations along the way that keep building and building. We finally set up a meeting in December and spoke with our caseworker about our concerns. She seemed to understand our frustrations and was glad we let her know.

Today all of the ABC families got an email stating they are adding yet another person into the mix of people we will be going through with questions and things. Its been hard enough with communication when two of the ones there only work part time and now there is going to be another. So we have to keep three different people's schedules in our minds. Talk about continuity, or lack thereof

So, we've been considering transferring our license and focusing more on foster care. As we've been going through these classes our hearts have been changing (and breaking) for these children. These kids really need stable, loving and nurturing environments. Some of the stories we hear in class break my heart. We feel like we are in a spot to care for these kids. We do not have any children right now and soon I'll be staying home full time so they would have our undivided attention and we could make a difference in their lives and maybe even their birth family's lives

Yes, I know. Don't think I've forgotten or not considered the struggles that we would go through and the BIG possibility of them being reunited with their family. Yes we would get attached to these children I'm sure and then they might go back to their family. But, because something is hard does that mean we shouldn't try at all? If it was easy wouldn't there be more people out there fostering kids?

These children deserve parents to care for them and why would we not want to help fill that need?

So, we are tossing each idea around and just wishing we could come to a final decision but as of yet we haven't reached that. We've been praying that the Lord would guide us and lead us to the path He is wanting.

Back to our meeting in December with ABC. When we talked with our caseworker in December she said she really thinks it will happen for us and that we will get chosen. She said to give it another 6 months and at that time if we're not matched maybe reconsider the facilitator idea. We're not very big fans of the facilitator idea but it could give us a better chance of getting matched..but we still have concerns with this.

That is partly where my heart is pulling me to stick it out a few more months. But, the other part of my heart is saying we should help these kids.

To wrap it up...that is what has been going on lately. We are 9 months into our wait and taking it one day at a time.

Project Sunshine

Happy Wednesday evening! No work tomorrow so I'm excited! I think we are actually supposed to get our first snow of the winter. I can't believe its January 11th and I wore short sleeves to work today. Crazy to not need a coat this time of year. However, I don't think it will last.

Anyways, I don't know if some of you listen to 91.5 WCIC? I've been hearing information about Project Sunshine and how it related to foster children and it peaked my interest. I went to 91.5's website and read about it.

There is an organization called The Forgotten Initiative which raises awareness for foster care agencies. They have lots of different projects but one is called Project Sunshine. They are going around to foster care agencies and renovating their waiting/visiting rooms. These children will have visits with their biological parents and family in these rooms. They want the rooms to feel warm and inviting and fun for the children. Before the renovations at other agencies the rooms were drab with old broken toys and now they look spectacular!

They are doing renovations to the waiting rooms at the Family Core agency in downtown Peoria. This is where our foster training classes are. If we do end up pursuing foster care in the future this is most likely the agency we would try to get our license through.

I don't know first hand the trauma and hardships these children go through since we are not foster parents but just talking about all these things in class makes my heart break for them. Some of the topics we discuss I never really thought they existed, at least not in this area. I'm so thankful for the family God gave me and that because of that family these are things I never had to go through or even think about. Which makes me want to help these kids even more. Maybe this is why pregnancy is not in God's plan for us. Maybe adoption and foster care is in His plan for us. I have a strong desire to help these kids I'm just not sure the timing of things. We talk about foster care being down the road a few years I just know that I want to help now. So, for now Aaron and I are planning on going shopping and getting some new toys and diapers, etc. for this project. And, I'll keep making some drawstring bags to help out.

I'm praying that these kids will feel all the love and care that went into these renovations, that God would show Himself to them and that they know they are not forgotten. I'm also praying that God would direct us as to what His plan is for us regarding foster care.

Here is a link to some info on Project Sunshine. Once you get to this page there is a list of donated items they are looking for.    http://www.wcicfm.org/project-sunshine


Here is the link to The Forgotten Initiative  http://www.theforgotteninitiative.org/

And here is the link to the lady's blog who is the founder of The Forgotten Initiative http://www.lifewithapersonalgod.blogspot.com/

Instead Of Trash Bags...

Close your eyes, well not really since your reading, but imagine for just a minute that you are a child who is being taken away from your parents. It could be in the middle of the night or you could be at school thinking it was like any other day. But, when school gets over a social worker picks you up. 

Your scared, sad, worried, confused and wondering what is going to happen next.

A lot of times when these children are taken from their homes or school it is a stressful, traumatic event. Making sure your child has everything they need (special blanket, toy, etc.) when they go to a foster home is not the first thing on these parents minds. Many times an investigator, cop or social worker might be grabbing things. Although this is great that they are taking things that might be important to the child these items get thrown into a garbage bag. A garbage bag really? What do we typically associate a trash bag with? Garbage and things that are of no value or importance. Certainly not a favorite toy or blanket or a picture of mom and dad.

This brings me to my little project I'm working on. Actually one that one of our foster care trainers is doing but asking us if anyone wants to help. She said a child of hers (who was in foster care but is now adopted) asked her how she would feel if all of a sudden somebody comes and takes you away and throws your stuff in a garbage bag. That really made her think, so she is out to make drawstring bags to provide to agencies that they can put these kid's items in.

I went out and got some fabric and my grandma helped me make one today. I love knowing that the bag will go to a child who really needs it and knowing that their stuff isn't going to be put in a trash bag. I'm going to try to make some more as many as I think I can.

If anyone is interested in making any that would be great! It just takes a yard of fabric. It is kind of like a pillowcase but you make a casing so you can put a string of some kind so that you can pull it closed. Just like a drawstring bag. Our trainer says she uses clothesline twine for the string. I actually cut about 3 inches off of the fabric to make a string out of that so it would match. It turned out cute.

Here are a few pictures of one.

Now how much better does that look compared to a garbage bag? I'm super excited to make some more. But, if anyone out there is interested in making any that would make me even more super excited. Just remember, its going to a REALLY good cause. Or, if you have any extra scrap fabric that would also be great!! Just contact me either way if you think you would be interested.  

Missing Out

Teeny tiny fingers and toes. Little nose and ears and lips. I love little babies. Of course, who doesn't? I know its not all flowers and butterflies caring for a little one but I will take this any day over never having kids.

As we think about possibly adopting from foster care in the future I can't help but think about the fact that rarely are the children babies. It does happen on occasion but when it does of course there are lots of families that want a baby rather than an older child.

It seems like many children that you adopt from foster care would be toddlers or older. We are open to accepting toddlers but I think how hard it would be to miss out on all the baby stages that they go through. I want to be there for all of that.

I'm not sure domestic newborn adoption will be our best option with each subsequent child. Reasons for this include cost, waiting times, lots of families to "compete" with. Plus, these children in foster care need families that are willing to provide them a safe, nurturing and stable environment. Why not take a child out of the system?

Just something I've been thinking about lately.

2012?!

Hoping and praying that this is the year we can bring our child home. Its obviously on my mind a lot because I keep having dreams about getting matched and bringing a baby home.

Adoption Update...Again

I'm not sure when I last updated but there is some new information to give you. We had a meeting last week with our adoption agency. We needed to discuss a few things with them and had some questions. Another reason we met with them was to get information about a little girl we were interested in. There is a website called adoptuskids.org. It is one that anybody can visit and you can view children that are up for adoption. Most times the kids have some type of special need. Typically the older children (maybe 6 and above) may have just behavioral problems or anger issues. The younger ones (which is where we would be looking) seem to have more medical special needs.

Anyways, we check the website quite often. We found a little girl on there that we wanted more information about. It only allows us to see so much about her but we knew that the agency could see more. She did have some needs listed but we weren't sure if it was things she would grow out of or not. When we got to the office and got the report on her, we saw words like "failure to thrive" and "pervasive developmental disorder." She was 2 years old but more like an 8-12 month old. I was so saddended by this because of her birthmom's poor choices she has to go through all this. Unfortunately we felt she did have too many needs that we didn't feel comfortable with at this time. She is no longer listed on the website so I'm praying that a really great family adopted her and she will have a much stable future. Sometimes though kids will go off the website so you think they have been adopted but then a few days later they are back on.

In other news we are about 8 months along in our "adoption wait" We are starting to get anxious and antsy and ready to hear some more "better" news soon but we know its in the Lord's hands. Our caseworker did tell us that there was a birthmom considering us. We matched up with all the things she was looking for but for some reason she ended up choosing a different family. She didn't tell us the reason why. I'm kind of not wanting to know the reason why. I feel like that just wasn't the child God had picked out for us.

We're praying for patience, and trust in His plan and that He knows whats best for us. Sometimes Many times this is hard because I can't imagine myself not being a mom and taking care of kids. You know when you are younger and people ask you what you want to be when you grow up? That is what I've always wanted to be. Yea sure I thought oh I would have some kind of career until I got married and had kids. But once that happened being a mom would be my new most important career. I so badly want to be there for my kids and help them grow and develop. I want them to run to me when their scared or confused or want to talk. But, what do you do when there are no kids there? How do you consistently accept and be content with not getting the desires of your heart(deep deep desires), while watching so many others who are?

God is teaching me soooo much in this(I'll share more on this in a later post). Infertility is still very much a part of our journey. Adoption doesn't make the ache of infertility disappear. But, through this God opened my eyes to getting to know Him so much more and appreciate ALL the ways in which He provides for us and that living life as a Christian isn't just going through the motions...its so much more than that.

He's So Sure

Just checking in to give a little adoption update. I spoke with Amanda the other day to see if they were working with any birthmoms. She said that right now they are working with 2. One has already chosen a family though and the other is still debating. My first thought was, Ugh...what a bummer since we weren't the ones chosen. At the same time though that means that wasn't the baby God has for us.

Aaron has been such an encouragement during all of this. Anytime I feel upset or frustrated about it he is there to comfort me. He reminds me that God is in control and all we need to do is trust Him. I'm very thankful for that!

Well that is it for the update. On a side note we are almost all done with Christmas shopping and we have most all the gifts wrapped and under the tree.

Foster Training

We had our first foster care training session today. The first of 9. It wasn't too bad actually. We walked in not knowing what to expect at all. Since it was the first day it was a lot of intro stuff. There were so many people registered for the class they ended up separating us into two classes. I'm not sure about the other class but we were the only ones in ours who didn't have any kids.

The more I think about foster care the more I want to be involved with it. However, we don't think fostering right now is the best idea. Its something so totally different than raising a biological child. Most times these children have some type of special need. Whether it be a medical issue, abuse or neglect it requires more knowledge and resources than raising a biological child. With us not having any experience raising children we're not sure jumping into foster care would be the best for the child(ren) or for us. We'll continue to evaluate this as we go through each session of the training. Right now we're leaning towards adopting first and then later on down the road either adopt a child from the foster system or do foster care.

One thing they brought up that had never occured to us was that your not just taking in a child temporarily. You are also helping to support their birth family so the child can be reunited with them.

Overall, it went really well. On a side note a lady in the class ended up passing out due to low blood sugar. We were taking a 15 minute break and I was walking back from the bathroom and I could see two guys trying to get her on a chair. I thought her leg had just given out but then they were saying she was diabetic. In a matter of 30 seconds she was unresponsive and breathing weird. After a few pieces of chocolate and some orange juice she was responsive again but they still took her to the ER. Crazy thing is we were located in a building that was connected to the hospital and after calling 911 it took over 5 minutes for someone to get there to help.

They didn't let us go home without lots of paperwork and reading material. I provided a picture below.

Catching Up Pt. 1

Hey all! Its been a while since my last post so I wanted to do a post on whats been going on lately. It feels like October has been flying by. The leaves have turned and the cold air is starting to set in a little more.

I like the crisp cool air of fall but the constant changing of temperature (one day hot, one day cool, etc.) gives me headaches. And I think I've had enough this fall.

Well to start with we're 6 months into our adoption wait. We started the process in March and had our home study completed in April. So, we're 6 months along. Unfortunately the agency has really slowed down in the amount of placements they have been doing so it might (most likely) end up taking longer than we had thought/hoped. I talked with our case worker this week and she said they have only shown our profile once, maybe twice. Total bummer...I know. We're trying to be patient and we know God has already picked out a child for us we just have to trust that He will strengthen us along the way.

During this last month we've looked into a few other options to see if we can increase our chances. So far, God seems to be closing all those doors. There is a website called adoptuskids.org. Anybody can go to the site and see the children that are legally up for adoption. I hadn't been on it for a couple of months and decided to check it out. These two brothers who were American Indian/Alaskan Native came up. One was 3 and the other was 2. Yes, we do want an infant but we would never turn down a child that was below the maximum age limit we would like. The information stated they pretty much required a family where one parent was Native American and part of a federally recognized tribe. Well, obviously that's not Aaron and I. I still wanted to email and get more information if I could to see if they would even consider us. I emailed got an email right back with the boys' caseworker's name and email. I emailed him and have still never heard anything back. I checked the website the day after I emailed and they were no longer on there. Hopefully they got placed with a great family.

I also got an email from a friend out of Utah with a contact name of a lady who works with Mother Goose Adoptions/Creating Christian Families. She said this lady had mentioned there were current situations of birth moms who were due relatively soon that needed families. I emailed the lady and got the password to view the situations online. Only to find out the cost on most of them is so extremely high I'm afraid we wouldn't be able to support the child once we brought it home. They were wanting anywhere in the 23,000 in some cases up to 50,000 for them JUST to place the baby with you. Then 7,000 in legal fees, anywhere from 3,000 to 8,000 in birth mom expenses. Plus, any travel expenses you would have to get the child. It was ridiculous. I emailed the lady back and said I appreciated her help but thought that was just WAY to high. Sometimes it feels like the agencies take advantage of people like us who can't biologically have our own but so deeply want one to call our own.

I've contacted other agencies and facilitators or looked online and none of them seem to be the right fit. The cost is just more than we feel comfortable with. Side Note::: When we met Amanda with ABC (our current agency) we really liked her and the program that they offered for adoption. Our chances seemed really good due to the number of placements and how many families they had. Plus, it was local and the cost was very good.

So, after those two things I've tried getting in touch with the pregnancy centers around the area. I called to see what they do if a pregnant woman comes in and wants to possibly have her child adopted. They both just said they refer them to different agencies. Agencies that we can't work with since we already have one or one that is too expensive. I asked if they kept any information of families that wanted to adopt and directed the women to them or to the supervising agency of that family. They both said no to that. I asked if they had a billboard of some kind to put a flier or brochure out with information about us and a website with where to go to see our profile. They both said no to this as well.

Definitely feeling defeated this month.

The next step was that I emailed Lutheran Social Services to check and see if we could get our foster license. Something Aaron and I have been considering for a while. Something we both feel like we want to do. As far as right at this moment...I don't know if we're ready for it yet. But, the process to becoming a foster parent takes a lot of work, time and training and education. Plus, the license lasts for four years. So, why not try to work on it while we don't have any children? Anyways, I emailed last week and never heard back so on Tuesday I called got a lady's voicemail, left a message and still haven't heard anything back.

I think I'm running out of options. I've been really praying hard that the Lord would show us His will and what He wants us to do. I wonder if I'm just being too impatient or if He has all these other options out there for us we just aren't taking advantage of them. But, when Aaron and I sit down and discuss these options it just doesn't seem smart to be so desperate that we would spend more than we feel we can or should. It doesn't seem like that is what He wants us to do. Is Him closing all the doors His answer for now? That we need to just be patient and rest in the truth that He provides according to His will. I went to bed one night last week just crying and praying over and over again that He would show us what He wants and that He would strengthen us because I'm so lost I don't know what to do.

So after we both had long weeks at work and many failed attempts at increasing our chances of adoption we skipped town. I texted Aaron Friday morning and asked if he wanted to go up to Chicago. His response was, "Sure. When and Where?" I said this weekend after I get off work and Schaumburg. After I got off work and came home we found a hotel and off we went. It was so nice to just throw stuff in the suitcase and run out the door. Saturday we went to Woodfield Mall (love that place) and shopped a bit and then had dinner at P.F. Changs. YUM! We were back in our hotel room by 7:00 and we did nothing except relax and watch t.v. until we went to bed. The next morning we checked out and headed to the Outlet Mall in Aurora to go to the COACH store!!!! Turns out they were having an additional 30% off sale so I came home with a new purse and a new wallet.

So, for now that's what is going on with us. I'm starting to look forward to the holidays coming up!! I hope you are too.

Adoption Book



I purchased our first adoption book the other day. This is one we would read to our child. I had a coupon to use for Amazon so I started searching on the website for adoption books and this is one I found that had some good reviews. I read through it and it seems pretty cute and fairly easy for him/her to understand. One bad point is the length of the book. It seems a bit long for children to sit through and not get distracted.

Anyways I look forward to reading it to him/her someday. We always want our child to know he/she was adopted and we pray that the Lord will give us wisdom on how to explain this to our child. For now I guess I'll stick it in the bookcase and hopefully someday in a baby's room.



3 Months In

We've hit our 3 month mark as far as the waiting process of the adoption. Really this isn't long and it hasn't actually felt that long either. The bummer is that the agency still isn't working with any new birthmoms. Obviously that can change any day or it can remain this way for a long time. We're praying for the Lord's perfect timing and for the baby He has for us.

It seems like things with the agency have changed a little bit since the beginning of the year. When we went to the conference in February and spoke with Amanda she said they do about 5-10 adoptions a year. At the time they only had about 7 maybe 8 families. Now it seems like they aren't really working with many/if any birthmoms and there are 12 families waiting and more coming soon.

I try not to get upset or bummed out about this because God knows and He has a plan.

I spoke with a lady who her and her husband adopted from ABC last year. Their process was only about 6 months long as far as waiting and getting their baby girl. She brought up so many things though that I hadn't really thought about yet.

I asked her if they met the birthmom and what the hospital situation was like. She was telling me that they did meet the birthmom and that their first meeting was perfect. However, before the baby was born things started to change a little bit. I'm not for sure of specifics but I think the birthmom started to change how open she wanted the adoption to be. She wanted to see the baby more often than she initially said maybe? Her and her husband were up at the hospital but could not (for some reason I'm not sure) have any of they're family there. She said it was the roughest 72 hours so far.

Just having her tell me this brought things to my attention that I hadn't really thought of yet. So, more things to be praying for. This whole process is a lot of unknowns. At first it was sooo hard for me and I'm sure at times it is still going to be hard but by God's grace He's giving me patience.

On another note we should get our well water testing reports back this week. We'll see how those turn out. We also have our updated home study visit scheduled for August 17th. We're leaving for WI right after our caseworker leaves so can you say CRAZY? That will be a busy day. I'm hoping to just get it out of the way before we go out of town.

And lastly, we have updated adoption books!! Once we finished them I said to my sister, "What if after we adopt once we go to adopt again and again and again." She replied with, "Can't you just use the same book?" Turns out typing letters and descriptions aren't all that easy in photoshop.

Isolation

Some definitions of this word are: the feeling of being alone, the feeling of alienation, state or situation of being alone.


A friend said in a post a few days ago that if she could describe infertility with one word she would use the word isolation. I totally agree. I could never quite put a word to what I was feeling. Of course I would say sad, hurt, upset, frustrated and people understand that. But, if you say isolation to someone who has never walked this road they might not understand. They would maybe think of that as an exxageration. On the other hand, maybe this word would help them get a better understanding of what your feeling. Remember, back in school or at church or at some other event when you might have felt left out or alone? I think we've all felt that at one time or another. This is what infertility feels like. Your on the outside. I used to be on a forum that had different groups you could be a part of. One was if you were pregnant, one was you were trying to conceive and one was you have been trying for at least 12 months with no success. Of course I was in the last group. The group starts to diminish and new people come and then new people go...but I was still there. I read in a book (Hannah's Hope) you begin to feel infertile among the infertile. I didn't last very long on that webiste. Each time I seemed to log on there was someone else who had landed themselves in the "pregnant" forum. I felt like I was just logging on for more dissapointment.


Conversations come up amongst groups about their kids (if your in a group with all moms but yourself) and I sometimes wonder how do I gracefully exit this conversation without being rude? Is that even possible? I don't want it to seem like I don't care but at the same time it brings all those feelings of isolation back to the surface. Sure, its not that hard to put up a front that everything is ok but deep down I still struggle. Just because we're trying to adopt doesn't mean the pain and heartache went away.


I don't want to confuse anyone with that comment either. I'm so excited to adopt and will love this child just like I would if it had my own genetic makeup. Being a mom isn't just getting pregnant and giving birth. Sure that is part of it but it is also raising a child, being there for them when they need you, being an example for them, showing them right from wrong and loving them and taking care of them. I long for those days of rocking our son or daughter to sleep, wiping the tears from their little faces, reading them a book before bed, praying with them, giving them a bottle, helping them take their first steps, teaching them about Christ and what He did for us on the cross. I long for those days so bad and sometimes it is so hard when you see so many others enjoying this provision and responsibility from the Lord. Children are such a gift and I don't think I would've recognized that had we gotten pregnant right away or shortly after we started trying.


I pray that if/when God does have a son or daughter for us I will praise Him for this trial and for what I've learned from it. That I would take this responsibility and provision from the Lord and Lord willing raise a child that honors God. Sometimes, being grateful for this struggle is hard..some days nearly impossible. There have been many times when I feel that God is soo far away and not answering my cries for answers of why and how much longer. But, thats part of faith and hope. The unknown. Believing in what you can't see. God has this whole picture in His hands and He knows, He has the answers. And that is what gives me strength. He entrusted this trial to me and I need to grab ahold of it and bring honor and glory to the One who gave it to me. He has His reasons.

Update

It's been a while since I've been on here and posting. Sometimes I don't really feel like I have much of anything to say or what I do have people wouldn't find interesting....so I don't say it. Anyways, I was in the mood to write tonight so I'll just give an update of what's been going on.

1. Aaron is now back on first shift
1. This is great because he was starting to get pretty cranky on 3rds.
2. Its nice to have him home ALL night and willing to go and do stuff during the week. When he was on 3rds he didn't want to do anything at night since he had to go into work later.
3. I do miss our conversations we had at breakfast when he was on 3rds. He would come home around 8:00am so I would just be sitting down to eat.
2. I've dropped my work schedule down to 3 days.
1. Yay!!! I was ready for a break from that full time stuff. I know call me weak that after 9 months of full time I could hardly stand it anymore. But, its just how I am. I like being home and being able to get stuff down around the house. Stuff that pretty much went to the back burner. Its nice to be able to clean during the week and get groceries during the week and not have to do it in a rather rushed fashion on Saturday. Has anyone else noticed (if you've ever shopped on Saturday) that everyone goes to the store then? What a pain.
2. Although I love the 3 day work week it feels weird because I've kind of been demoted. The girl that is now working full time was the part time girl. She would come in after school and I would tell her what was going on and what needed to be done. Now those roles have reversed so it is a little humbling.
3. We got a new car!
1. We purchased a Rav4 back a few weeks ago. It is a pretty brown color and I LOVE it. Gotta love that new car smell!!! Trying to make it last as long as possible.
1. We didn't plan on getting a new car (at least not this soon) We knew once we adopted we wanted to get rid of the Cavalier but we were planning on waiting until right before we adopted. We had some paint issues with the cavi so we got tired of paying to have that fixed so one night we went to look and the next night we came home with a new car!
2. It rides so much smoother than the cavi and I love being able to sit up higher. I guess the best point is that I can plug my ipod in and listen to my own tunes rather than all those commericals on the radio.
3. Down side to the Rav4 is the payment book. We didn't want to ever have a car payment again (thanks Dave Ramsey). However, we are Dave Ramsey failures. Lord willing, we'll pay it off quick and have it to last us a LOOONG time.
4. Adoption update-Waiting
1. We're still just crusing along in our adoption wait. We started the process of paperwork back in March but we turned everything in at the end of April. So at the end of this month we will be 2 months in on our wait. This is not long at all. Of course we're anxious and when we hear the phone ring we wonder  if its Amanda with news but we know this is in God's hands.
2. We recently took a trip to Chicago to celebrate our annivesary and I found a store up there called Buy Buy Baby. We walked around for a few minutes and it is wall to wall baby things. Everything you could possibly think of. I told Aaron once we actually get to the point of needing to buy things we need to make a weekend trip up there.
3. The waiting part can be fun (at times) wondering who our child will be. Is he/she conceived yet? What is their birthmom/birthfather like? What will our relationship be like with his/her birthparents/birth family?
5. 4 years!!!
1. June 9th was our four year anniversary. Wow. I can remember a few weeks before we got married someone at church said that time goes by much faster after you get married. Of course, I didn't believe that person. What did they know? They had only been married for many many years with three kids pretty much all grown up.
2. Time speeds up like a million times faster than it used to. It doesn't even feel like we've been back from MN for 2 years. 2 years ago I was packing up and getting ready to say goodbye to one of the best experiences I had so far in my life. That year was so amazing and we miss it!
3. When I was talking to my grandma the other day and said our four year was coming up she said, "Honey, thats not very many, try 58." Thanks grandma. But it feels like an accomplishment.

Not much else to report. Sorry this seems long. Have a good week!

First Step

Well we've FINALLY gotten set up on our first step in the adoption process. After we found out we were getting to stay here in Illinois we sent an email to our adoption lady and set up a time for an interview on this Friday at 2:00. We have to go through this preliminary interview (not sure what it all entails) and then I think they give us some paperwork we have to fill out about ourselves and then we do the home study after that. I think home studies usually take at least 2-3 months. We won't have to worry about that until we get through the first few steps. We're thankful that we were able to set it up quick and we're just praying that it goes well.

I'll update afterwards.

"Hello, I Love You"

Hey everyone. Just wanted to post a little on my latest reading material. I mentioned in an earlier post about going to an adoption conference a week or so ago. The main speaker was Ted Kluck. Him and his wife have adopted twice and he's written a book about it. The title is called "Hello, I Love You." I haven't got too far into it but its hard to put it down once I've gotten a few pages in. So far its basically about their adventures in adopting their two boys. I'll let you know how much I like it once I finish it.