Still Torn In Two Different Directions

In my previous post I said Aaron and I were thinking about possibly switching our license to a different agency and doing foster care.

There are so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind as we try to weigh the options. I really want to help these kids in the foster system but at the same time I so long for that child, my child(adopted or biological). I'm sure I've mentioned this before but being a mom is what I've always wanted to do. To say things haven't gone the way that I planned would be an understatement. Its been 3 years since we started "trying" to have kids. I would have never guessed that we would still be childless.

I've been thinking/praying/talking with Aaron about why to/why not to switch.

Here are some of the things we've been considering.
1.) Staying with ABC means a newborn baby that will be ours that isn't going to be reunited with their birth family.
             A. However, we could get matched with a birthmom while she is only a few months pregnant and then once she goes into labor she can change her mind. If that is the case then we are back at square one again waiting to get matched.

2.) We could switch to foster care and get a placement of a child that then returns home and were back to being a childless couple again.

3.) We're 9 months into waiting with ABC. I know this doesn't mean we're X number of months away from getting a baby but it seems like were much closer than before.

4.) If we switch to foster care, Lord willing we could make such a difference in these kids' lives. There are a lot of people that foster that end up adopting the children but there are plenty of times they return home to their families. And, if their families are safe and stable they should return home.

I always had this vision in my head of when we would have kids. It was the pretty traditional view...get pregnant, buy all the cutesy baby stuff, have baby, adjust to life as new parents and then a while down the road start all over again. Until we decided we were done having kids. Do you see a problem with this? Its all my vision, my wants, my thoughts, my ways. Where was God's plan in all of my vision? Why hadn't I considered what He wanted for us? He knows whats best for us.

One day I'm leaning more towards foster care and the next day I lean more towards staying with ABC. However, I don't feel completely at peace with either decision. I know there isn't a rush to make a decision right away but I am struggling to know what path God is leading us down.

I think this is such a hard decision for many reasons. But I'll name a few. One being giving up the control of what "I" wanted/thought for a family. When we struggled with infertility it was so hard to have to give up the idea that we might never have biological children. We might never get that experience of a positive pregnancy test, baby registries, baby showers, nurseries that are gender specific (sounds stupid but I'm particular on that one) labor and bringing our biological child home from the hospital. God opened our hearts to adoption and I'm so glad He did, I can't imagine adoption not being a part of our lives but the waiting is definitely hard. I think this comes back to giving up control again. There is nothing I can do to make this happen. Its all out of our hands. All we can do is sit and wait and pray that God will give us strength to get through this and grow closer to Him through this. I do think He is accomplishing this and drawing us closer to Him as each day goes by. He's the one who orchestrates all this. He is teaching me so much and I'm so thankful for that. I never realized just how important prayer is and putting all things in His hands. Its so hard for me to not keep taking it back in my hands.

With adoption we would still get the experience of bringing home a new baby and putting together a nursery and some of those traditional things. So, to switch to foster care means me letting go of another thing that was so important to me. Foster care brings a lot of uncertainty. We wouldn't know if we should be prepared for a girl, boy, infant, 1.5 year old or 3 year old.

This is why I'm having such a hard time deciding to leave ABC. If we do, then we give up on that too. Which means we will never know if we will get to experience an infant. Its so hard because being a mom is what I've always wanted to do and I'm just not sure what God is wanting us to do right now.

I feel like if foster care wasn't in His plans He would've closed the door on us taking the classes, or during the classes we would've thought this is not something we want to take on. Instead, the classes made us all the more interested and wanting to do this. He showed us just how much they need loving, christian, stable families that are willing to fulfill the needs of these children. My heart wants to help these kids so bad. I want to protect them and care for them and pray that God would show Himself to them. Even if they were with us for a short time...what a ministry..to show them the love of Christ.



So, how do I feel torn in two completely different directions?

Adoption Update...Again

I'm not sure when I last updated but there is some new information to give you. We had a meeting last week with our adoption agency. We needed to discuss a few things with them and had some questions. Another reason we met with them was to get information about a little girl we were interested in. There is a website called adoptuskids.org. It is one that anybody can visit and you can view children that are up for adoption. Most times the kids have some type of special need. Typically the older children (maybe 6 and above) may have just behavioral problems or anger issues. The younger ones (which is where we would be looking) seem to have more medical special needs.

Anyways, we check the website quite often. We found a little girl on there that we wanted more information about. It only allows us to see so much about her but we knew that the agency could see more. She did have some needs listed but we weren't sure if it was things she would grow out of or not. When we got to the office and got the report on her, we saw words like "failure to thrive" and "pervasive developmental disorder." She was 2 years old but more like an 8-12 month old. I was so saddended by this because of her birthmom's poor choices she has to go through all this. Unfortunately we felt she did have too many needs that we didn't feel comfortable with at this time. She is no longer listed on the website so I'm praying that a really great family adopted her and she will have a much stable future. Sometimes though kids will go off the website so you think they have been adopted but then a few days later they are back on.

In other news we are about 8 months along in our "adoption wait" We are starting to get anxious and antsy and ready to hear some more "better" news soon but we know its in the Lord's hands. Our caseworker did tell us that there was a birthmom considering us. We matched up with all the things she was looking for but for some reason she ended up choosing a different family. She didn't tell us the reason why. I'm kind of not wanting to know the reason why. I feel like that just wasn't the child God had picked out for us.

We're praying for patience, and trust in His plan and that He knows whats best for us. Sometimes Many times this is hard because I can't imagine myself not being a mom and taking care of kids. You know when you are younger and people ask you what you want to be when you grow up? That is what I've always wanted to be. Yea sure I thought oh I would have some kind of career until I got married and had kids. But once that happened being a mom would be my new most important career. I so badly want to be there for my kids and help them grow and develop. I want them to run to me when their scared or confused or want to talk. But, what do you do when there are no kids there? How do you consistently accept and be content with not getting the desires of your heart(deep deep desires), while watching so many others who are?

God is teaching me soooo much in this(I'll share more on this in a later post). Infertility is still very much a part of our journey. Adoption doesn't make the ache of infertility disappear. But, through this God opened my eyes to getting to know Him so much more and appreciate ALL the ways in which He provides for us and that living life as a Christian isn't just going through the motions...its so much more than that.

He's So Sure

Just checking in to give a little adoption update. I spoke with Amanda the other day to see if they were working with any birthmoms. She said that right now they are working with 2. One has already chosen a family though and the other is still debating. My first thought was, Ugh...what a bummer since we weren't the ones chosen. At the same time though that means that wasn't the baby God has for us.

Aaron has been such an encouragement during all of this. Anytime I feel upset or frustrated about it he is there to comfort me. He reminds me that God is in control and all we need to do is trust Him. I'm very thankful for that!

Well that is it for the update. On a side note we are almost all done with Christmas shopping and we have most all the gifts wrapped and under the tree.

3 Months In

We've hit our 3 month mark as far as the waiting process of the adoption. Really this isn't long and it hasn't actually felt that long either. The bummer is that the agency still isn't working with any new birthmoms. Obviously that can change any day or it can remain this way for a long time. We're praying for the Lord's perfect timing and for the baby He has for us.

It seems like things with the agency have changed a little bit since the beginning of the year. When we went to the conference in February and spoke with Amanda she said they do about 5-10 adoptions a year. At the time they only had about 7 maybe 8 families. Now it seems like they aren't really working with many/if any birthmoms and there are 12 families waiting and more coming soon.

I try not to get upset or bummed out about this because God knows and He has a plan.

I spoke with a lady who her and her husband adopted from ABC last year. Their process was only about 6 months long as far as waiting and getting their baby girl. She brought up so many things though that I hadn't really thought about yet.

I asked her if they met the birthmom and what the hospital situation was like. She was telling me that they did meet the birthmom and that their first meeting was perfect. However, before the baby was born things started to change a little bit. I'm not for sure of specifics but I think the birthmom started to change how open she wanted the adoption to be. She wanted to see the baby more often than she initially said maybe? Her and her husband were up at the hospital but could not (for some reason I'm not sure) have any of they're family there. She said it was the roughest 72 hours so far.

Just having her tell me this brought things to my attention that I hadn't really thought of yet. So, more things to be praying for. This whole process is a lot of unknowns. At first it was sooo hard for me and I'm sure at times it is still going to be hard but by God's grace He's giving me patience.

On another note we should get our well water testing reports back this week. We'll see how those turn out. We also have our updated home study visit scheduled for August 17th. We're leaving for WI right after our caseworker leaves so can you say CRAZY? That will be a busy day. I'm hoping to just get it out of the way before we go out of town.

And lastly, we have updated adoption books!! Once we finished them I said to my sister, "What if after we adopt once we go to adopt again and again and again." She replied with, "Can't you just use the same book?" Turns out typing letters and descriptions aren't all that easy in photoshop.

Bible Study

Hey all! Hope you are doing well. 

Last week some of us ladies from church started on a bible study and the picture above is the book we are working through. Its about the names of the Lord and that knowing and understanding these names can help us know God more fully. This week we are starting at studying a few different names of God. The first week we talked about boasting in the name of the Lord and where/who do we run to in times of trouble.

There were a few things/paragraphs that caught my attention on that first chapter. Its just 2 parts out of 2 paragraphs that made me think a little. So, these quotes are straight from the book.


"Where do you run in time of need? When the hounds of trouble, worry, and fear pursue you; when the dogs of temptation, corruption, and evil seek to overtake you; when your energy is spent; when weakness saps you; when you feel you cannot run any longer, where do you turn? Do you turn to your protector, the One who stands with arms opened wide, waiting for you to come and bury yourself in the security of all He is?"

"When you are in trouble, what is your first instinct? Do you run to others or to God? Is it usually the counsel of another rather than the counsel found in waiting upon God in prayer? Why is this the way it is? Why do we (why do I) run to man before we (I) run to God?"  Once again..those two paragraphs taken straight from the book.

I felt like in those two paragraphs God was pointing something out to me. I don't run to Him when I feel worried, upset, frustrated, concerned. I admit that I run to someone who I feel will give me an instant answer, something that I want to hear or something that I don't have to wait for an answer.

My whole life I've struggled with being impatient, waiting, wanting things/answers instantly. Ask anyone that's known me for a while. I always joked around before about it and thought it was funny and that it was just part of who I was. Ahh..how horrible is that and how wrong is that? It wasn't until the Lord brought infertility in my life did He begin to show me this ugly sin.

With God's grace I'm praying that He will always be the One I run to rather than to man.

There is a song out by Kutless called "I'm Still Yours" that I find encouraging. These are just a few lyrics that I like;

"When my life is not what I expected


The plans I made have failed

When there's nothing left to steal me away

Will You be enough for me?"

There are so many things that God has provided me with that I'm thankful for. To start with; His son, a great husband who is a great provider, great family and the list goes on. Why do I not see all these things and why is ALL that not enough?? Why is it that I feel like if we get/have a baby that that will be enough? Over time won't I just do this all over again and say well if we get/have another child that will be enough? Why isn't God enough? God should be more than enough.

Its so easy to praise God when things are going just like I planned or wanted but not so easy when they don't go the way I thought they would. I'm trying to work on this more...

that God is the one I run to and that He and all He's provided me with is enough.



"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.
 

Isolation

Some definitions of this word are: the feeling of being alone, the feeling of alienation, state or situation of being alone.


A friend said in a post a few days ago that if she could describe infertility with one word she would use the word isolation. I totally agree. I could never quite put a word to what I was feeling. Of course I would say sad, hurt, upset, frustrated and people understand that. But, if you say isolation to someone who has never walked this road they might not understand. They would maybe think of that as an exxageration. On the other hand, maybe this word would help them get a better understanding of what your feeling. Remember, back in school or at church or at some other event when you might have felt left out or alone? I think we've all felt that at one time or another. This is what infertility feels like. Your on the outside. I used to be on a forum that had different groups you could be a part of. One was if you were pregnant, one was you were trying to conceive and one was you have been trying for at least 12 months with no success. Of course I was in the last group. The group starts to diminish and new people come and then new people go...but I was still there. I read in a book (Hannah's Hope) you begin to feel infertile among the infertile. I didn't last very long on that webiste. Each time I seemed to log on there was someone else who had landed themselves in the "pregnant" forum. I felt like I was just logging on for more dissapointment.


Conversations come up amongst groups about their kids (if your in a group with all moms but yourself) and I sometimes wonder how do I gracefully exit this conversation without being rude? Is that even possible? I don't want it to seem like I don't care but at the same time it brings all those feelings of isolation back to the surface. Sure, its not that hard to put up a front that everything is ok but deep down I still struggle. Just because we're trying to adopt doesn't mean the pain and heartache went away.


I don't want to confuse anyone with that comment either. I'm so excited to adopt and will love this child just like I would if it had my own genetic makeup. Being a mom isn't just getting pregnant and giving birth. Sure that is part of it but it is also raising a child, being there for them when they need you, being an example for them, showing them right from wrong and loving them and taking care of them. I long for those days of rocking our son or daughter to sleep, wiping the tears from their little faces, reading them a book before bed, praying with them, giving them a bottle, helping them take their first steps, teaching them about Christ and what He did for us on the cross. I long for those days so bad and sometimes it is so hard when you see so many others enjoying this provision and responsibility from the Lord. Children are such a gift and I don't think I would've recognized that had we gotten pregnant right away or shortly after we started trying.


I pray that if/when God does have a son or daughter for us I will praise Him for this trial and for what I've learned from it. That I would take this responsibility and provision from the Lord and Lord willing raise a child that honors God. Sometimes, being grateful for this struggle is hard..some days nearly impossible. There have been many times when I feel that God is soo far away and not answering my cries for answers of why and how much longer. But, thats part of faith and hope. The unknown. Believing in what you can't see. God has this whole picture in His hands and He knows, He has the answers. And that is what gives me strength. He entrusted this trial to me and I need to grab ahold of it and bring honor and glory to the One who gave it to me. He has His reasons.