Isolation

Some definitions of this word are: the feeling of being alone, the feeling of alienation, state or situation of being alone.


A friend said in a post a few days ago that if she could describe infertility with one word she would use the word isolation. I totally agree. I could never quite put a word to what I was feeling. Of course I would say sad, hurt, upset, frustrated and people understand that. But, if you say isolation to someone who has never walked this road they might not understand. They would maybe think of that as an exxageration. On the other hand, maybe this word would help them get a better understanding of what your feeling. Remember, back in school or at church or at some other event when you might have felt left out or alone? I think we've all felt that at one time or another. This is what infertility feels like. Your on the outside. I used to be on a forum that had different groups you could be a part of. One was if you were pregnant, one was you were trying to conceive and one was you have been trying for at least 12 months with no success. Of course I was in the last group. The group starts to diminish and new people come and then new people go...but I was still there. I read in a book (Hannah's Hope) you begin to feel infertile among the infertile. I didn't last very long on that webiste. Each time I seemed to log on there was someone else who had landed themselves in the "pregnant" forum. I felt like I was just logging on for more dissapointment.


Conversations come up amongst groups about their kids (if your in a group with all moms but yourself) and I sometimes wonder how do I gracefully exit this conversation without being rude? Is that even possible? I don't want it to seem like I don't care but at the same time it brings all those feelings of isolation back to the surface. Sure, its not that hard to put up a front that everything is ok but deep down I still struggle. Just because we're trying to adopt doesn't mean the pain and heartache went away.


I don't want to confuse anyone with that comment either. I'm so excited to adopt and will love this child just like I would if it had my own genetic makeup. Being a mom isn't just getting pregnant and giving birth. Sure that is part of it but it is also raising a child, being there for them when they need you, being an example for them, showing them right from wrong and loving them and taking care of them. I long for those days of rocking our son or daughter to sleep, wiping the tears from their little faces, reading them a book before bed, praying with them, giving them a bottle, helping them take their first steps, teaching them about Christ and what He did for us on the cross. I long for those days so bad and sometimes it is so hard when you see so many others enjoying this provision and responsibility from the Lord. Children are such a gift and I don't think I would've recognized that had we gotten pregnant right away or shortly after we started trying.


I pray that if/when God does have a son or daughter for us I will praise Him for this trial and for what I've learned from it. That I would take this responsibility and provision from the Lord and Lord willing raise a child that honors God. Sometimes, being grateful for this struggle is hard..some days nearly impossible. There have been many times when I feel that God is soo far away and not answering my cries for answers of why and how much longer. But, thats part of faith and hope. The unknown. Believing in what you can't see. God has this whole picture in His hands and He knows, He has the answers. And that is what gives me strength. He entrusted this trial to me and I need to grab ahold of it and bring honor and glory to the One who gave it to me. He has His reasons.