Still Torn In Two Different Directions

In my previous post I said Aaron and I were thinking about possibly switching our license to a different agency and doing foster care.

There are so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind as we try to weigh the options. I really want to help these kids in the foster system but at the same time I so long for that child, my child(adopted or biological). I'm sure I've mentioned this before but being a mom is what I've always wanted to do. To say things haven't gone the way that I planned would be an understatement. Its been 3 years since we started "trying" to have kids. I would have never guessed that we would still be childless.

I've been thinking/praying/talking with Aaron about why to/why not to switch.

Here are some of the things we've been considering.
1.) Staying with ABC means a newborn baby that will be ours that isn't going to be reunited with their birth family.
             A. However, we could get matched with a birthmom while she is only a few months pregnant and then once she goes into labor she can change her mind. If that is the case then we are back at square one again waiting to get matched.

2.) We could switch to foster care and get a placement of a child that then returns home and were back to being a childless couple again.

3.) We're 9 months into waiting with ABC. I know this doesn't mean we're X number of months away from getting a baby but it seems like were much closer than before.

4.) If we switch to foster care, Lord willing we could make such a difference in these kids' lives. There are a lot of people that foster that end up adopting the children but there are plenty of times they return home to their families. And, if their families are safe and stable they should return home.

I always had this vision in my head of when we would have kids. It was the pretty traditional view...get pregnant, buy all the cutesy baby stuff, have baby, adjust to life as new parents and then a while down the road start all over again. Until we decided we were done having kids. Do you see a problem with this? Its all my vision, my wants, my thoughts, my ways. Where was God's plan in all of my vision? Why hadn't I considered what He wanted for us? He knows whats best for us.

One day I'm leaning more towards foster care and the next day I lean more towards staying with ABC. However, I don't feel completely at peace with either decision. I know there isn't a rush to make a decision right away but I am struggling to know what path God is leading us down.

I think this is such a hard decision for many reasons. But I'll name a few. One being giving up the control of what "I" wanted/thought for a family. When we struggled with infertility it was so hard to have to give up the idea that we might never have biological children. We might never get that experience of a positive pregnancy test, baby registries, baby showers, nurseries that are gender specific (sounds stupid but I'm particular on that one) labor and bringing our biological child home from the hospital. God opened our hearts to adoption and I'm so glad He did, I can't imagine adoption not being a part of our lives but the waiting is definitely hard. I think this comes back to giving up control again. There is nothing I can do to make this happen. Its all out of our hands. All we can do is sit and wait and pray that God will give us strength to get through this and grow closer to Him through this. I do think He is accomplishing this and drawing us closer to Him as each day goes by. He's the one who orchestrates all this. He is teaching me so much and I'm so thankful for that. I never realized just how important prayer is and putting all things in His hands. Its so hard for me to not keep taking it back in my hands.

With adoption we would still get the experience of bringing home a new baby and putting together a nursery and some of those traditional things. So, to switch to foster care means me letting go of another thing that was so important to me. Foster care brings a lot of uncertainty. We wouldn't know if we should be prepared for a girl, boy, infant, 1.5 year old or 3 year old.

This is why I'm having such a hard time deciding to leave ABC. If we do, then we give up on that too. Which means we will never know if we will get to experience an infant. Its so hard because being a mom is what I've always wanted to do and I'm just not sure what God is wanting us to do right now.

I feel like if foster care wasn't in His plans He would've closed the door on us taking the classes, or during the classes we would've thought this is not something we want to take on. Instead, the classes made us all the more interested and wanting to do this. He showed us just how much they need loving, christian, stable families that are willing to fulfill the needs of these children. My heart wants to help these kids so bad. I want to protect them and care for them and pray that God would show Himself to them. Even if they were with us for a short time...what a ministry..to show them the love of Christ.



So, how do I feel torn in two completely different directions?