3 Months In

We've hit our 3 month mark as far as the waiting process of the adoption. Really this isn't long and it hasn't actually felt that long either. The bummer is that the agency still isn't working with any new birthmoms. Obviously that can change any day or it can remain this way for a long time. We're praying for the Lord's perfect timing and for the baby He has for us.

It seems like things with the agency have changed a little bit since the beginning of the year. When we went to the conference in February and spoke with Amanda she said they do about 5-10 adoptions a year. At the time they only had about 7 maybe 8 families. Now it seems like they aren't really working with many/if any birthmoms and there are 12 families waiting and more coming soon.

I try not to get upset or bummed out about this because God knows and He has a plan.

I spoke with a lady who her and her husband adopted from ABC last year. Their process was only about 6 months long as far as waiting and getting their baby girl. She brought up so many things though that I hadn't really thought about yet.

I asked her if they met the birthmom and what the hospital situation was like. She was telling me that they did meet the birthmom and that their first meeting was perfect. However, before the baby was born things started to change a little bit. I'm not for sure of specifics but I think the birthmom started to change how open she wanted the adoption to be. She wanted to see the baby more often than she initially said maybe? Her and her husband were up at the hospital but could not (for some reason I'm not sure) have any of they're family there. She said it was the roughest 72 hours so far.

Just having her tell me this brought things to my attention that I hadn't really thought of yet. So, more things to be praying for. This whole process is a lot of unknowns. At first it was sooo hard for me and I'm sure at times it is still going to be hard but by God's grace He's giving me patience.

On another note we should get our well water testing reports back this week. We'll see how those turn out. We also have our updated home study visit scheduled for August 17th. We're leaving for WI right after our caseworker leaves so can you say CRAZY? That will be a busy day. I'm hoping to just get it out of the way before we go out of town.

And lastly, we have updated adoption books!! Once we finished them I said to my sister, "What if after we adopt once we go to adopt again and again and again." She replied with, "Can't you just use the same book?" Turns out typing letters and descriptions aren't all that easy in photoshop.

Grocery Lists And Stinky Shopping Saturdays

Does anyone else really dislike coming up with a grocery list as much as I do? And if you go to the grocery store on Saturday do you dislike it as much as I do?

Putting together a list is never easy for me. Trying to come up with what to eat (meals and what to have with them) is also never easy. I'm so picky so maybe that is why. Every week after I come up with the list I think to myself that next week I need to start on the list sooner.

My plan was to do the shopping on Wednesday or Friday since I'm off those days but it hasn't worked out that way yet.

My other vent is that Saturday shopping seems to be the worst day of the week. The store seems really busy and everytime you stop to look at something somebody wants to grab an item that is right in front of you or just wants to get by. I always feel so rushed and if Aaron is with me he feels the same way.

I gotta figure out a better "grocery shopping plan of attack." 

Well I'm off to bed to get up and head out the door early (hopefully) to avoid some of the crowd.

We've Moved

Hey all! We've moved back to our hometown.....finally. After 3 years we're back!! Ok that makes it sound like we've been REALLY far away but only one out of those three years we were in MN. The other 2 we we were close to our hometown (about 15 mins away).

We knew that at some point we wanted to get back here but we didn't realize it wouldn't happen so fast. I was actually on my way into town to help my sister with something and saw a sign that said "House For Rent 3 Bedroom." I drove past the sign and then thought to myself that maybe I should check it out. After turning around and following the arrows I knew exactly the place it was. It is actually the old house of a good friend of mine's aunt and uncle. That might be confusing but one of the bridesmaids in our wedding, it is her aunt nad uncle's old place. We came over and looked at the place on June 18th and were all moved in by July 8th!!

Anyways, we love it here!! There is so much more room than we had at our old place. It is actually a house and not an apartment or duplex. We are finally not connected by walls to other people! Its a good feeling. The moving was exhausting though. My Dad had just had a knee replacement on June 14th so he was unable to help move stuff.  With Aaron's dad working and a lot of other family working Aaron and I did a whole bunch of moving on our own. Thankfully the landlords let us start moving stuff in a week before our actual move date. This helped out tremendously. We were able to get almost all the boxes and smaller stuff in before our big moving day. Aaron's mom helped us out so it was the three of us with a UHaul full of heavy things.

At the end of the day we were both exhausted and hot and grouchy after taking trips back and forth for a week. We went out to grab a quick bite for dinner with my family and I was practically falling asleep at the table. I have to say I slept pretty good those next few days.

With all this extra room we're hoping to fill it with a child or two! ;)

Bible Study

Hey all! Hope you are doing well. 

Last week some of us ladies from church started on a bible study and the picture above is the book we are working through. Its about the names of the Lord and that knowing and understanding these names can help us know God more fully. This week we are starting at studying a few different names of God. The first week we talked about boasting in the name of the Lord and where/who do we run to in times of trouble.

There were a few things/paragraphs that caught my attention on that first chapter. Its just 2 parts out of 2 paragraphs that made me think a little. So, these quotes are straight from the book.


"Where do you run in time of need? When the hounds of trouble, worry, and fear pursue you; when the dogs of temptation, corruption, and evil seek to overtake you; when your energy is spent; when weakness saps you; when you feel you cannot run any longer, where do you turn? Do you turn to your protector, the One who stands with arms opened wide, waiting for you to come and bury yourself in the security of all He is?"

"When you are in trouble, what is your first instinct? Do you run to others or to God? Is it usually the counsel of another rather than the counsel found in waiting upon God in prayer? Why is this the way it is? Why do we (why do I) run to man before we (I) run to God?"  Once again..those two paragraphs taken straight from the book.

I felt like in those two paragraphs God was pointing something out to me. I don't run to Him when I feel worried, upset, frustrated, concerned. I admit that I run to someone who I feel will give me an instant answer, something that I want to hear or something that I don't have to wait for an answer.

My whole life I've struggled with being impatient, waiting, wanting things/answers instantly. Ask anyone that's known me for a while. I always joked around before about it and thought it was funny and that it was just part of who I was. Ahh..how horrible is that and how wrong is that? It wasn't until the Lord brought infertility in my life did He begin to show me this ugly sin.

With God's grace I'm praying that He will always be the One I run to rather than to man.

There is a song out by Kutless called "I'm Still Yours" that I find encouraging. These are just a few lyrics that I like;

"When my life is not what I expected


The plans I made have failed

When there's nothing left to steal me away

Will You be enough for me?"

There are so many things that God has provided me with that I'm thankful for. To start with; His son, a great husband who is a great provider, great family and the list goes on. Why do I not see all these things and why is ALL that not enough?? Why is it that I feel like if we get/have a baby that that will be enough? Over time won't I just do this all over again and say well if we get/have another child that will be enough? Why isn't God enough? God should be more than enough.

Its so easy to praise God when things are going just like I planned or wanted but not so easy when they don't go the way I thought they would. I'm trying to work on this more...

that God is the one I run to and that He and all He's provided me with is enough.



"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.
 

Standstill

Just wanted to post a quick adoption update. We emailed our agency just to kind of check-in and see if anything new was going on. As of right now they are not working with any new birthmothers. Its possible they might be working with some but if so it would be birthmoms that have already chosen a family. So, no new ones right now which means we are kind of at a standstill (is that one word or two?). This could change any day but at the same time could go on this way for months. So, for now we'll just keep plugging along and waiting.



On another note...my dad had a total knee replacement today. The doctor came out and said everything went fine. They were going to just do a partial but it ended up that he had a lot of arthritis under the knee cap so they just did a full one. He was doing really well as soon as he got brought out from surgery. Shortly after though his blood sugar went down pretty low so he was kind of out of it but when I talked to my mom he was doing better. So, I'm hoping he'll sleep alright tonight and get some good rest. Thanks for the prayers.

Isolation

Some definitions of this word are: the feeling of being alone, the feeling of alienation, state or situation of being alone.


A friend said in a post a few days ago that if she could describe infertility with one word she would use the word isolation. I totally agree. I could never quite put a word to what I was feeling. Of course I would say sad, hurt, upset, frustrated and people understand that. But, if you say isolation to someone who has never walked this road they might not understand. They would maybe think of that as an exxageration. On the other hand, maybe this word would help them get a better understanding of what your feeling. Remember, back in school or at church or at some other event when you might have felt left out or alone? I think we've all felt that at one time or another. This is what infertility feels like. Your on the outside. I used to be on a forum that had different groups you could be a part of. One was if you were pregnant, one was you were trying to conceive and one was you have been trying for at least 12 months with no success. Of course I was in the last group. The group starts to diminish and new people come and then new people go...but I was still there. I read in a book (Hannah's Hope) you begin to feel infertile among the infertile. I didn't last very long on that webiste. Each time I seemed to log on there was someone else who had landed themselves in the "pregnant" forum. I felt like I was just logging on for more dissapointment.


Conversations come up amongst groups about their kids (if your in a group with all moms but yourself) and I sometimes wonder how do I gracefully exit this conversation without being rude? Is that even possible? I don't want it to seem like I don't care but at the same time it brings all those feelings of isolation back to the surface. Sure, its not that hard to put up a front that everything is ok but deep down I still struggle. Just because we're trying to adopt doesn't mean the pain and heartache went away.


I don't want to confuse anyone with that comment either. I'm so excited to adopt and will love this child just like I would if it had my own genetic makeup. Being a mom isn't just getting pregnant and giving birth. Sure that is part of it but it is also raising a child, being there for them when they need you, being an example for them, showing them right from wrong and loving them and taking care of them. I long for those days of rocking our son or daughter to sleep, wiping the tears from their little faces, reading them a book before bed, praying with them, giving them a bottle, helping them take their first steps, teaching them about Christ and what He did for us on the cross. I long for those days so bad and sometimes it is so hard when you see so many others enjoying this provision and responsibility from the Lord. Children are such a gift and I don't think I would've recognized that had we gotten pregnant right away or shortly after we started trying.


I pray that if/when God does have a son or daughter for us I will praise Him for this trial and for what I've learned from it. That I would take this responsibility and provision from the Lord and Lord willing raise a child that honors God. Sometimes, being grateful for this struggle is hard..some days nearly impossible. There have been many times when I feel that God is soo far away and not answering my cries for answers of why and how much longer. But, thats part of faith and hope. The unknown. Believing in what you can't see. God has this whole picture in His hands and He knows, He has the answers. And that is what gives me strength. He entrusted this trial to me and I need to grab ahold of it and bring honor and glory to the One who gave it to me. He has His reasons.

Update

It's been a while since I've been on here and posting. Sometimes I don't really feel like I have much of anything to say or what I do have people wouldn't find interesting....so I don't say it. Anyways, I was in the mood to write tonight so I'll just give an update of what's been going on.

1. Aaron is now back on first shift
1. This is great because he was starting to get pretty cranky on 3rds.
2. Its nice to have him home ALL night and willing to go and do stuff during the week. When he was on 3rds he didn't want to do anything at night since he had to go into work later.
3. I do miss our conversations we had at breakfast when he was on 3rds. He would come home around 8:00am so I would just be sitting down to eat.
2. I've dropped my work schedule down to 3 days.
1. Yay!!! I was ready for a break from that full time stuff. I know call me weak that after 9 months of full time I could hardly stand it anymore. But, its just how I am. I like being home and being able to get stuff down around the house. Stuff that pretty much went to the back burner. Its nice to be able to clean during the week and get groceries during the week and not have to do it in a rather rushed fashion on Saturday. Has anyone else noticed (if you've ever shopped on Saturday) that everyone goes to the store then? What a pain.
2. Although I love the 3 day work week it feels weird because I've kind of been demoted. The girl that is now working full time was the part time girl. She would come in after school and I would tell her what was going on and what needed to be done. Now those roles have reversed so it is a little humbling.
3. We got a new car!
1. We purchased a Rav4 back a few weeks ago. It is a pretty brown color and I LOVE it. Gotta love that new car smell!!! Trying to make it last as long as possible.
1. We didn't plan on getting a new car (at least not this soon) We knew once we adopted we wanted to get rid of the Cavalier but we were planning on waiting until right before we adopted. We had some paint issues with the cavi so we got tired of paying to have that fixed so one night we went to look and the next night we came home with a new car!
2. It rides so much smoother than the cavi and I love being able to sit up higher. I guess the best point is that I can plug my ipod in and listen to my own tunes rather than all those commericals on the radio.
3. Down side to the Rav4 is the payment book. We didn't want to ever have a car payment again (thanks Dave Ramsey). However, we are Dave Ramsey failures. Lord willing, we'll pay it off quick and have it to last us a LOOONG time.
4. Adoption update-Waiting
1. We're still just crusing along in our adoption wait. We started the process of paperwork back in March but we turned everything in at the end of April. So at the end of this month we will be 2 months in on our wait. This is not long at all. Of course we're anxious and when we hear the phone ring we wonder  if its Amanda with news but we know this is in God's hands.
2. We recently took a trip to Chicago to celebrate our annivesary and I found a store up there called Buy Buy Baby. We walked around for a few minutes and it is wall to wall baby things. Everything you could possibly think of. I told Aaron once we actually get to the point of needing to buy things we need to make a weekend trip up there.
3. The waiting part can be fun (at times) wondering who our child will be. Is he/she conceived yet? What is their birthmom/birthfather like? What will our relationship be like with his/her birthparents/birth family?
5. 4 years!!!
1. June 9th was our four year anniversary. Wow. I can remember a few weeks before we got married someone at church said that time goes by much faster after you get married. Of course, I didn't believe that person. What did they know? They had only been married for many many years with three kids pretty much all grown up.
2. Time speeds up like a million times faster than it used to. It doesn't even feel like we've been back from MN for 2 years. 2 years ago I was packing up and getting ready to say goodbye to one of the best experiences I had so far in my life. That year was so amazing and we miss it!
3. When I was talking to my grandma the other day and said our four year was coming up she said, "Honey, thats not very many, try 58." Thanks grandma. But it feels like an accomplishment.

Not much else to report. Sorry this seems long. Have a good week!