Ugh...I hate Facebook. A while back I deactivated my account because I couldn't deal with all the pregnancy announcements, ultrasound pictures, week by week pregnancy belly shots. I know I could have just not logged on or only logged on when I felt like it but it felt like too much of a temptation, so I deactivated it. It felt so good and it was so nice to not have to deal with all that. It was probably a few months or so before I went back on. Whenever I reactivate it, I'm on for a little while (hour or so) browsing around and seeing what is going on and then I deactivate again. Then, I don't get back on again until a month or so later. So its this deactivate reactivate cycle every month or two. When I'm on I find myself going from one person's page to the next who I either know is pregnant, just had a baby, will probably be pregnant again soon, (so I'm checking for an announcement) or is in the process of adopting or just did adopt. Then, I end up feeling upset and down because we're still in the same spot.
So, why do I torture myself by logging on? I'm not sure.
Dealing with all these pregnancy things; announcements, belly shots, etc is just going to be something we will have to learn to live with. Its that we're in that age group where we're getting married and next comes babies. Maybe once we get out of the child-bearing years it won't be so hard.
So much of what I envisioned for our family, for children, how it would happen and when it would happen is not happening. That was SO hard for me to handle for SO long. It still is hard some days but not near like what it was before.
God has given me so much strength and patience through this. The strength and patience He has given me in this area has spilled over into other areas of my life and I am so thankful for that. It is so easy to praise God and be thankful when things are going the way you want them to. It has been a challenge for me to praise Him during this time in my life. But, He is/has teaching/taught me a lot during this. When I look back at all the ways He has provided for us I am overwhelmed at how perfectly He takes care of us when we don't deserve it.
I know He will provide for us in this aspect of our lives too. I understand this doesn't mean He will give us a permanent child. We may never get that. If that is His will for us to never have children He will give us the strength to work through that. I trust He knows what is best for us.
I know there are concerns with foster care. Dealing with the system and taking in kids from broken homes, and many more. Treating them as they are your own child while still knowing and understanding that they are not. Besides, even if they become "ours" aren't they really God's child anyway? They belong to Him. Parents are His tool for teaching them. Getting attached to them and then having to return them to their biological home. That is going to be hard and so hard I won't even understand until we experience that. But, not having the chance to parent at all is hard too. My response to people that talk about the attachment is that I understand the concerns and I'm aware of them too. However, I want to be the best mom I can to these children while they are in our home. They need love, and guidance and stability and protection and more and more love.
I pray that we can show Christ's love to them and create memories with them. I know on my "rough days" I'm not very thankful for this journey He has on us but deep down I am so grateful for this experience and it is teaching me so much. If He wouldn't have brought us down this path we would've missed out.
Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He will do it. ~ Psalm 37:5 ~
Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord ~ Psalm 27:14 ~
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