Quintuple Bypass

Good evening everyone! Or should I say good morning. Its almost midnight and my Mom and I are hanging out in the ICU waiting room. Its very interesting because you would never sit so close to someone you don't know until your in an ICU waiting room and a complete stranger is sleeping right next to you. Literally I can reach out (without moving anything but my arm) and touch her. The dynamics of this waiting room seem so complex, so many different families all here for different reasons. Some people crying tears of joy and others tears of sorrow. All within 10 feet of each other. But, wer'e all here for the same reason. Family. Someone is ill, hurt, in surgery, and others they don't know for sure what is wrong. But family is why were all here. And that is something we can all relate to. At any point it could be families that are here because of a sick child, a tramatic accident, a surgery, a cancer patient that is not doing well or an elderly patient.

On Monday March 29th my Dad went in for bypass surgery. They were going to do either 5 or 6 bypass grafts around his heart. The surgery didn't seem to take very long. I think they got started somewhere between 8 and 9. Closer to 9 I think and they were done around 12 or 1. They said he did really great and it went well. They ended up doing 5 and they explained why they didn't do the 6th but its too hard for me to explain?? Earlier this morning (Tuesday) he was pretty calm and didn't say to much. When I came back after work he was sitting up and eating and talking. They moved him into an actual ICU room (he was just in recovery)and he got up and did some walking. After the walking they had to put him on some oxygen because he ended up walking farther than he had the previous times. They ended up having to move him back into the recovery room because they needed his room for a patient that needed more attention. Overall, they say he is doing great. His blood pressure, heart rate and oxygen seem to be doing good. His oxygen will kind of waver back and forth to where they need to put him on some oxygen but then he usually goes right back off of it.

Mom and I are just hanging out just in case he needs one of us. Thank you all for your prayers, phone calls, and support.

You truly never know how much someone means to you until there is some chance that that person won't be with you anymore. I love my Dad and all the things He has done for me and just regret being that crummy teenager that always talked back and fought with him on a lot of things. I love you Dad!

Lord, thank you for guiding the doctors' and nurses' hands and giving them the knowledge and wisdom to complete this procedure. Thank you for the strength you gave my Dad and my family and just all the encouragement and support from family and friends. I ask Lord that you would continue to strengthen and encourage my Dad physically and give my Mom strength to continue being there for him. And Lord I ask that you wrap your arms around all these families here tonight. You know what their going through and just ask that you give them peace and rest and that they would trust in you. Amen.

The Last Few Weeks

March has flown by so quickly I can't believe April is right around the corner. There have been a few things that have come up this month.

I'm on my 5th week of work now and it is going well. I miss not being able to be home with my baby Kya all day and hate the fact that I have lock her up everyday when I leave. She seems so upset and just screeches when I walk out and close that door. Breaks my heart because I wish I could be here with her all day. I know she is just a dog but she is our baby!! She scared us a couple weeks ago. Aaron and I were just sitting ont he couch reading and she started coughing like she was choking. We thought maybe she just had something stuck in her mouth and let her try to just cough it up. After about a half an hour she was still doing it pretty bad and we started to get worried. We decided to run her to the Animal Emergency Clinic and after 2 X-rays, some meds, an exam and $300 later they told us she had a cough. Feeling better that my baby was alright I was just frustrated with the cost of it. But overall, her health is more important.

Also, my Dad went in for an angiogram on Monday March 15th and they ended up finding too many blockages to do any stents. He met with a surgeon this last Tuesday and they decided on doing a quintuple bypass possibly 6. (I don't know the name for that) He has the surgery on Monday March 29th so we will be at the hospital on Monday and then I am also taking Wednesday off to be up there with my Mom. I'm a little worried and nervous but just trusting and praying that the Lord will bring him through this. Praying that God will guide the surgeon's hands and give them wisdom throughout the surgery.

Aaron also found out today that most likely he will be moving on to his supervisor rotation. It will be in Mossville, IL and it will be 3rd shift. He is looking forward to this because purchasing has not been one of his favorite rotations. He first thought that he was going to be "frozen" in purchasing but found this news out today. He said it is 99.9% sure that he will be moving on. It will be a big adjustment for us. We are looking forward to it but just getting adjusted to the new schedule will be hard. Also, to be honest I'm a little afraid of the dark so this could be a little scary sleeping by myself at night.

Lots of things going on lately it seems like. Just thankful that the Lord is always with us giving us strength and guidance and wonderful family and friends for support.

"Wait"

A friend of mine shared this with me a few weeks ago (she saw it on one of her friend's facebook wall) thinking I might enjoy it. It really hit the spot when I read it and touched my heart! God knows what we need right when we need it and knows exactly just how to provide us with that.

"Wait"

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said,
'Child, you must wait.'
'Wait? You say wait!' my indignant reply.
'Lord I need answers, I need to know why!
Is Your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and am claiming Your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'Yes,' a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'No,' to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!'

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, 'You must wait.'
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled at God, "So, I'm waiting... for what?"

He seemed, then, to kneel
And His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give; and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want -
But you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power I give to the faint;

You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me;
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that, 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' my answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'Wait.'"


Pages 99-100 of Heather Paulsen's book "Emotional Purity"

Menu For The Week

Monday- BBQ chicken, baked potato and veggies

Tuesday- Salmon patties and corn

Wednesday- French dip sandwiches and veggies

Thursday- Chicken kiev and rice

Friday- Longhorn Steakhouse (date night with Aaron)

Satruday- Grilled Cheese

Sunday- Homemade Pizza

Adventures in Babysitting

Last weekend Aaron and I headed up to Wisconsin to visit family and also get our taxes done. So, on Friday we got the chance to watch our niece (Ava) and nephew (Eli) while their parents were at work. These kids are great! We love them and love spending time with them. They always make us smile and give us a laugh. In the morning we made some music with their instruments then did a little craft project with glitter and glue and then took them out to lunch. Eli wasn't so much into the project but Ava really enjoyed it and had a good time. After lunch it was nap time and that was pretty much the day! We had a good time watching them and I always say I would snatch those two kids up and bring them home with me but for some reason their mother won't let me!

Rejoice with those who rejoice

First of all, is this winter ever going to end?? I'm getting a little worn out with all the cold and snow all the time. Come late July though I'll be wishing it was cold like this. Anyways, I can't believe February is almost over. It seems unreal that we have been moved back for almost 8 months.

Well just a couple updates as well. Aaron did have his meeting at work regarding June rotations. There are 11 openings for 19 people that need those openings. Therefore, the people that do not end up getting put in those spots will be "frozen" in their position. That basically means that they will just be stuck in the same rotation for another 6 months. Turns out there are 4 rotations open around this area. The other ones are in San Diego, Georgia and one in Aurora IL. I think Aaron is going to try to get one of the rotations around here and then if not he will voluntarily "freeze" himself. This really isn't what he wants but we feel it is a better decision than moving halfway across the country. So, anways, we'll see what the Lord has planned for us.

Another update is that I got a job!! I was hoping to find something part-time and had just started looking around early this week. I was mainly looking in the retail area such as grocery stores or places similar to that. I applied to a couple of the grocery stores around here but they were not hiring. Then, I stopped by GFS, a grocery store in Peoria and was picking up some soup and saw that they were accepting applications. I figured I would fill one out. Well, I dropped it off on Wednesday and the manager told me to come back in on Thursday for an interview. After that interview I was asked to come back for a second interview on Saturday. Well after the interview he offered me a job and I took it!!! I start on Tuesday. I spoke with him about not coming in until after church on Sunday afternoons and trying to get the first and third Fridays of the month off for Bible Study. He seemed to think that would not be a problem. So, I thought that was very encouraging and thankful that God had provided me with a job so quickly. I enjoy being at home all the time and am sure I will miss it at times but felt I should go back to work. The main reason I was staying home since we moved back was because we were hoping to get pregnant. We never thought it would take this long. Since, that is obviously not happening I figured why not go back to work? That is I guess where we are at now. One problem with going back to work is Kya is going to be very upset with me. She already has this problem of pooping in her crate when we leave her so we'll see if me being gone more often will help her get over this?

As far as trying to get pregnant I think we have put that on the back burner for now. We kind of go back and forth wondering if we should still try but not force anything, kind of in the trying to whatever mode. In that case we would not really try to avoid getting pregnant but not really try to get pregnant. The TTW(trying to whatever) phase and TTA(trying to avoid) phase however really aren't that different for us since we can't seem to get pregnant anyway. We probably won't have to try really hard to not get pregnant.

Romans 12:15 says "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I know this verse to be true and understand it but to be quite honest I am having a hard time living out this truth right now. Especially the rejoice with those who rejoice. It goes back to the feeling of being surrounded with everything baby; seeing babies, hearing of people that have had babies recently, pregnant women (whether it be seeing pregnant women or hearing that so and so is pregnant) and the good ole facebook announcements of "We're pregnant" or however they decide to word it. Its hard for us infertile people to deal with that and feel like if we see one more ultrasound picture we are going to lose it. It gets to the point to where when you hear of someone else getting pregnant or that someone else just had a baby it hurts. No matter how close you are to that person or if you don't hardly even know them. Its like heartbreak all over again. Just when you start to feel better about it, BAM another announcement. I realize this probably is not the right attitude to have. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for those people and excited for them but deep down it also hurts and takes time to just become numb to that feeling. I am trying to work on this and praying that I would have a better attitude about it and that God is trying to teach me a lot of different things during this. A few of those things are patience, accepting His will and His timing, being thankful for EVERY thing and EVERY way He has provided for us. There are times when Aaron and I look back on things and just think WOW the Lord worked that out for us or He really provided for us with this or with that. And, it's things that at that moment in time we fail to give Him credit for that, thinking that it just fell into place when really God worked it out for us. I'm trying to focus more on all the things that He provides for us daily and just all the ways that He is our comfort and our hope during this trial. Tonight I'm thanking Him for Aaron, a warm house, food on the table, amazing friends and family, wonderful body of believers at Free Grace, a job for both Aaron and I, Kya and pretty much everything else!

I apoligize if this is too honest or too blunt but like I said earlier this is a way for me to get my thoughts/feelings out there. Kind of like a journal but not on paper.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6

Summer/Fall 2009

I know it has been a while since I've updated this. But I left off around the summer of 2009. We had moved back to IL and we were excited about that. We decided I would go see Dr Shay in September. Dr. Shay is actually the doctor that delivered me 23 years ago! He helped my mom with her pregnancies because she had trouble getting pregnant and just problems throughout her pregnancies. He started out by just having me take my temperature (basal body temperature) for a month. When I went back in October he said that I didn't ovulate so he assumed I just wasn't ovulating which is why we weren't getting pregnant. He wanted to start me on Clomid which is used to help induce ovulation. I couldn't start it in October though because I was already past the point in my cycle when it needed to be taken. The medicine is taken on cycle days 5-9 and wouldn't you know I happened to be on cycle day 7. So it then caused more waiting and anticipation because we had to wait until my next cycle to start the medicine. In November I went back to him and started the Clomid. Didn't really notice any side effects except maybe being a little moody and irritable. My temperature started to look a little better and seemed to be regulating and showing more of a pattern. However, the first month the medicine didn't work obviously so he then set up an appointment for a post-coital test which is actually not the funnest thing to go through. Its actually pretty simple. You set up an appointment in the early morning, (I don't know the best way to put this so I'll just say it)have sex about an hour before and then go into the Dr's office and they take a sample from me to see how many sperm there are, if they are alive and how they are moving. Well we went in for that and we actually joked about it before hand because Aaron had to take a half day off of work for this. So the test came back with not good results. He said there were hardly any sperm and none were alive. Aaron came to this appointment with me and when the Dr said that Aaron's face turned about as white as a sheet. I was afraid he was going to pass out sitting right there. We both went into this figuring it would be sort of a formality I guess. Just something we would cross off the list and say ok that was fine what do we try next. WRONG! We were both pretty upset after that appointment and that is when I really started feeling like we would never have kids. I remember feeling pretty numb that day and just went through the rest of day in robot-like fashion. We didn't say a whole lot to each other about it and tried to put it out of our minds. Key word there being tried. Which on a side note-I don't know how many times we've heard, "Oh just stop thinking about it and stewing over it and it will happen." Let me just say...not the best advice. How do you put something like this out of your mind when its something you want so badly? Anyways, I had to take the Clomid again in December and this time the dose was 100mg (doubled from last month). That month I noticed the side effects a little more. Increasingly moody and irritable and pretty much unbearable for Aaron. Things that would not normally bother me felt like the end of the world. That feeling would go on for days after I had finished the medicine. We also had to have Aaron go for a semen analysis to see if there really was something wrong since the post-coital test came back with poor results. So the Monday after Christmas we went for that test and spent the next day and a half on pins and needles waiting for results. When we went to pick up the results from the hospital we both had a sick feeling in our stomach pretty much expecting bad results. We were feeling like all we were getting was bad news. But, the results were GREAT! How can the one test come out so bad and this one be great?? Well the Dr couldn't explain that either. It then turns back to me. What is going on with me that is not allowing my to get pregnant? Are we trying too hard? Thinking about it too much? Not putting our faith and trust in God knowing that He knows whats best for our lives and its in His timing not ours? I felt like I had all these questions and wanted answers that noone could provide. I wanted someone to just tell me WHY? I feel guilty about that because I feel like I am fighting the Lord on it and that is not what I want. He knows the answers and I just need to trust in that and be obedient to His will and plan for our lives. So December came and went with still no pregnancy. At this point I was starting to feel pretty depressed about the situation. There were days where I would do nothing but sit on the couch and cry and sleep. I got into that rut where I felt more robot-like and just went through the day in a haze kind of, not really caring about much. I know that Aaron was pretty upst about it too but he doesn't show it like I do or talk about it. We felt like we kept getting knocked down with bad news and as soon as we would get back up we would get knocked back down again. I didn't know how much longer I could continue doing that. I went back to the Dr in January and he wanted to try a higher dose of Clomid and now an antibiotic and also an HCG shot, and another post-coital test and if that didn't turn out with good results a hysterosalpingogram which in short is basically an x-ray of your reproductive organs. I felt increasingly overwhelmed at that appointment. He also started talking about intrauterine insemination and in vitro fertilization. I felt like we were getting in over our heads and too deep into all this. Aaron and I talked about it and decided to just stop with all the appointments and the medicine and the tests. We couldn't handle much more of it and needed a break. That is pretty much where we are at now. We decided to give it a rest for a while and continue to pray for direction and guidance from the Lord as to what He wants us to be doing. In the meantime we're focusing on eating healthier, more exercising and losing weight. We'll see what the next few months bring. In about the next 2-4 months we should find out what Aaron's job will have us do next-whether it be staying in IL or moving again. We are actually talking about trying to move again but we are putting that in God's hands!